Sleuth Home - Ask Shady
Love is in da Air
It happens every summer, even when I try not to notice. Young ladies in summer frocks, couples walkin' along da tree-lined riverside...dat's right, love is in da air. Now I wouldn't care, if da whispered sweet-nuttin's would stay outta my way, but dey don't. Some frisky little filly come down ta see me, on accounta she been pointin' fingers at da wrong people, and dere she is, flutterin' her long eyelashes at me. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a pretty dame along wit da rest of 'em, and dis one was a looker, but don't breathe dem sighs of longin' when yer lookin' at me.
Sadly, whilst I was perusin' dat huge pile of mail still habitatin' in my front hall, da point was made - repeatedly - dat youse all got love on da brains. And believe me, da amounta bizness comin' in since I took up residence in da back of da bar again tells me dat youse ain't got da brains ta spare. Really. Consider dis missive from lovemyyodas, who axes: 'Will you let me be your mistress and spend all your hard earned money on me and keep me in the life style that I have become adjusted to?' And den dere's dis one from detectivehappy: 'Are the rumors true that you and Lady Jas are a couple? I have heard rumblings in the chat room about it, thanks.' Now, I ain't gettin' into no triangles, so I'll tells ya dat only one thing is goin on wit Shady and Lady Jas, and dat's da pastries she brings on occasion. And no, I ain't tellin' ya what da occasion is, on accounta it ain't yer bizness dat she sometimes might have ta shell out some cash. And I guess I don't gotta worry about lovemyyodas chasin me around no table anytime soon, on accounta she didn't want ta pay up after pointin' too many fingers at people what ain't done no crimes, and she got run outta town.
Still, dat don't keep some of youse from tryin ta sacrifice me at da altar. Detective C Devinewants ta know if I'm married, Crextin says dat 'connections' tells him I'm married, and yet dat don't stop Diane de Valentinois from axin me on a date. Well, maybe I bin down dat aisle, and maybe I ain't. Better for youse all if I don't tell ya, on accounta I'd have ta kill yez. And I ain't lookin ta break no hearts, but I gotta tell ya Diane, dat yer a pretty girl but yer appeal took a nosedive when ya had ta give up yer gumshoe license. Even dis letter I gots from jstkdn back in da day makes me wonder about youse people. Ya shoulda known better den ta be axin me what I does wit yer money, and no, ya don't get half if I marries ya, especially since dat ain't gonna happen. Sorry I missed da weddin', I hopes ya had a good time. Mebbe ya shoulda took Secret_Squirrel wit ya, on accounta it seems da little furry guy ain't been on a date in so long dat he's developed a crush on yers truly. Now, Let13 wanted ta know if I sleeps wit a teddy bear like he does. I'll tell youse dis once: I don't sleep wit no little furry creatures - sorry Squirrel - and anyone who tries ta say udderwise will be sleepin wit da fishes, got it?
Now, some of yez seems ta got da idea Shady is a lonely-hearts columnist. It ain't so. But dis is da advice I gots for ya, bananaboytime3000- a coupla shots of good whiskey, and ya won't have any trubble tellin' dat heartbreaker dat ya likes her. I hope dat helps, which if it does, is better den what I gots ta tell vmn1371. I dunno if Reza loves little ole you, and if ya ain't got da guts ta axe her yerself, I ain't gonna axe for ya. And you, jevy-girl, I dunno what I can tells ya. If my mudder tole me ta stay away from someone what I was in love wit - which she wouldn'ta done - I woulda just done what I wanted anyway. My mudder wasn't da type of lady what sticks her nose inta people's private bizness.
All of youse what got stars and hearts and twinkly stuff in yer eyes, though, youse can go on yer romantic walks, takin in da sea breezes, and leave ole Shady outta da picture. In fact, youse can go strollin' down by da Boardwalk, once dey get dose cranes and stuff outta da way. Speakin of which, Makensie Brewer, Vulkie3, Sir William Weine and Lawrence Wargraveare all axin about dis boardwalk thingy.
Heck an’ if dis new schlep on da block old ‘Heigh Leigh Irregular’ didn’t try and ruffle yours truly’s feathers a little. Heh. Tells me to keeps my trap shut and tell da punters nuthin’. Anyway if me h angin said Mr Irregular out a window by his ankles and him screamin’ for his mudda can be considered an arrangement den we has comes to one. He doesn’t get in my face and try and tells me what to do or where to be or where to go, and I won’t say too much about his little delusions of grandeur. Nor will I have to test out da weight bearin capacity of my arms none either. Personally all dis talk about expansions makes me think da gimp has a few issues that’s is strictly between him and Mrs Irregular.
I can assures you Aknas that there aint no-one who knows more dan Shady. I is keeping a wary eye on everything dat is goin on at dat Boardwalk and every where else Mr Irregular is trying to put his mark on. It don’t smell too fishy to me at da moment, well aparts from that aquarium dey is bangin up , but if someone’s runnin da angles, well dat gig is Shady’s, and they’re gonna find themselves up against a rock and a hard plaice plenty quick. (Plaice... get it. Heck, Shady made a joke, laugh!)
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