Sleuth Home - Ask Shady

Shady Character Two and Two Equals...

I quote dis missive from Showster: hey shady, lemme ask u sumthin, out of the 5 things men want most in life: PMRW - Power, Money, Respect & Women, which one would you pick as your priority objective?

Well, all Shady can say in response to dis is: Math. If ya can't count, how is you supposed to know if you is getting cheated? It may be said, Showster, dat perhaps ya shoulda thought twice about cuttin' outta dat class. Countin' is important stuff, even if it involves usin' yer fingers and toes to keep up, capice? Dis is how I knows da sharpest gumshoes in Sleuthville ain't cheatin' the Shady Brotherhood - though it ain't stopped a couple of yez from tryin'.

Metaphorically speakin' bein able to put two an two together don't hurt none either. A sleuth's gotta be cognizant of all da details, including who you is talking to and what you expect from dat person.

For example, and I thinks dis is a good one, lorelei6 sends me this little gem: 'not meaning any disrespect, but why, when I paid you to tell me where Lucy's was, did you not give me the location?' See? Details. Such as dat tiny little detail about me and dat skunk, Larry da Toe, not even bein' da same species. Last time some dumb gumshoe gave Larry benefit of da doubt as to his belongin' to da human race, well... let's just say dat gumshoe got directions to da Cabaret as well as a new cologne - Eaude da Human Refuse.

Now, dere is a whole tale about how dat scabby little lowlife got da name "da toe". Maybe Shady will regale youse all with it, one of dese days, which should make tangoing flamingoes happy. But it ain't me ya should be crabbin' at about whatever funds ya lost. It don't have nuttin' to do with Shady.

But it kinda leads me to what is on my mind today (besides my hat), which is da same thing what Christine Everson axed me about. Namely, why did I choose dis career? Da thing is, I didn't choose it, so much as it chose me. Not dat I had to fall in with whatever plan da Fates had for me. None of us do. But sometimes the wheel turns and things just fall into place. Besides if the Fates were sittin there sizin me up, it makes more sense to this old noggin dat my somewhat hulkin' frame and less than sunny disposition might be more suited to da 'shake down' than to say flouncin' about in a tutu, or washin poodles for the Nouveau rich. Some things, they just make sense - two and two equals... see, now you is gettin da hang of it.

Nor can I explain why da Shady Brotherhood came to be. Why does Sleuthville gots so many opium dealers and so many gumshoes? Why are dere so many murders, so many villains, why does a three legged horse win at da Racetrack, and why are dere so many ladies named Amanda? Sleuthville is an enigma wrapped in a tortilla, hidden behind da box of corn flakes in da Pantry of Life. I don't pretends to understand, I just eats my fill.

Anyways, having seen da world, I can say dere ain't no place else I wanna be. Da corner table in back of da bar is just fine for Shady. I don't put on no airs. And I ain't never considered movin' my 'office' no place else, Farm A Sea, just so's ya know.


Yakkity Yak, Shady Talks Back
7 April, 2010

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