Sleuth Home - Ask Shady

Truth...

Y'know ever since Big Mama - dats Miss Sunny to you folk - gives me dis gig, I knew it smelt worse than the back alley behind Mr Bao's Fish Market.

And when I am right, I am right. Care to disagree some?

So for instance, I reads my first 'Ask Shady' question, now I tells ya, 'Who is da killer of Maria Gonzales?' if I was to give out that kind of information would I continue to hold da privileged position that I have today in many a fair city?. I think not. I would be pushin' up daisies next to some of my less, shall we say, discreet clientelle.

I aint here to solve yer crimes for you, yer dead beats, that's your job! Getcher own suspects, learn your own motives. And whatever knucklehead axed about if the butcher had an alibi - you should maybe take up dancing. I just clean up the mess afterwards some. So da next person who axe me "what happened to da monkey" might find me even less charitable when they come to me all cap in hand.

I ain't gonna tell you how to find the Toe, neither. Big Mama and her Fez-loving houseboy put up a message board for a reason. And whilst anatomically correct, it's Big Lucy, not Big Ruby. Don't let her even hear you call her that.

I ain't gonna give you pack o' lazy lulus no help with yer work. Period.

We clear?

Good.

So biggie528 wants to know if Fezboy has a third nipple. Now if I was da facetious type I might say it is somewhere next to his fourth, both of which are attached to, and somewhere between, Big Mama's chin and knees depending on whether she is standin' up or layin' down. But I am not da facetious type, so I will just say 'Beats me'. Me and the little runt ain't that close and I ain't that kinda shady character. Oh, and Karola, you seem like a nice enough person, but I ain't goin' to no bank and no other place with you, neither.

Now not surpisingly I see a lot of questions about what I do with all your 'hard earned' that you cough up at me whenever you start falsely accusin' good innocent folk as youse often seem t'do.

Arabella Parker is one classy dame when she asks "Do you ever get naked and roll around in all that money you make from clearing detective's FA's?" Heck, LuthienAstraea thinks I oughta be jetsetting across the globe!

Firstly, let me say that I ain't going nowhere fancy. Don't trust this "international" food. That's why you see the same crappy breakfast in every restaurant in every city. I fixed it like that. Keep yer 'Shanghai Surprise', I'll have the eggs.

I don't tell you what to do with yer money and you better not tell me what to do with mine. There are a lot of squeaky wheels that need to be greased, nests that need to be feathered, knee caps that need to be - well youse see my point - in order to keep your reputations intact. So it's not like all that money goes to yours truly. But yes, of course I takes a cut, I aint da frickin' Salvation Army.

And while I have not rolled naked in no money before, it is an idea I don't find myself completely opposed to. There are rooms out back of Big Lucy's that youse can hire for such an occasion - I hear - so maybe Miss Arabella should remind me of this notion when she has the misfortune to visit me next time.

Another topic some of youse all seem to be getting antsy about is, 'Is there more than one Shady'? and 'How can you be in so many different cities at the same time?' These are two question I will answer as truthfully as Big Mama will lets me.

Let me say, right here, right now, I AM Shady. That is da truth.

How can I best describe it? If youse have seen that movie Spartacus...?

It's like that - except with guns and hats.

Who is Shady?

"I AM!"

If youse like, just think of me as belonging to an International Brotherhood of debt collectors.

Anyways, I have had enough of this high falutin', I hear someone's cat has just jumped on their keyboard, so I must go offer them a solicitous shoulder to cry on... for a price of course.

With kindest regards to you and your family,

Shady.

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