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Shady Character Gotta Tell Ya

I gotta tell ya, I dunno what some of youse trenchcoat-wearin' private dicks is thinkin' sometimes. But just so's youse knows, when I asks yez if yez capice, I'm askin if yez understands. Capice? Understand? Got it? Hope dat helps yez, most especially renetta, who axed in da foist place.

Now, dere's stuff I gotta tell ya, and stuff dat I wonder why youse are axin about it. I'm talkin about you, miss snopes, and yer nosy Spanish Inquisition. What for do you gotta know how tall I am? I don't recall axin you on a date, or nuttin. It ain't like we's gonna be side-by-side any time soon. You need to see me, you sit at my table.

I can see maybe you wanna bake me a birthday cake or sumthin', but I gotta tell ya - Shady don't eat no cheap stuff. Simple, yeah, on accounta I'm a simple guy. But I don't see no need to be tellin' da gumshoe world how old I am. It ain't yer bizness. So, what I gotta axe youse is, why is youse axin?

And I suppose dere ain't no harm intended, but tell me, snopesy, why is you so innerested in Cousin Mabel's tutu? Does it matter what color it is? Hows about if I tells ya it's blood red. Dat sound good to ya? I can just sees it in yer eyes, dat yer axin because yer hopin' it fits ya. Didn't know youse was into da ballet, but if ya sends me a ticket, I'll be dere, opening night. And I gotta tell ya, Shady don't usually frequent da ballet, but da thought of a gumshoe in a tutu has a kinda pull to it.

Dere's gotta be a reason I'm gettin' dese here letters, like maybe youse are trying to annoy me to death, or something. Let me just get this right outta da way, Lady Jas, by tellin' ya dat even Aknas ain't helpin' me count my money. I don't let youse lousy gumshoes touch my green, on accounta youse couldn't hold on to it. Nice try, gumshoe, but I ain't buyin'.

Which leads me to dis last thing I gotta tell ya, and specificately Xelessia. Youse is asking me if I'm outta my mind? Youse callin' me crazy? Well, I keep puttin' da fix on yer records so's youse can keep yer gumshoe license, so I gotta tell ya...

Yeah, I gotta be outta my mind.


Yakkity Yak, Shady Talks Back
7 April, 2010

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