Sleuth Home - Ask Shady

Yeah, it's a crazy world out dere, and dat's why I likes it back here in my corner, just fine.

Yeah, I knows I was gone for a coupla years, travelin' out in dat insanity, but now I knows fer sure, you can paint ‘em brown or yella, black or white, heck you can paint em pink with purple pokey-dots, but da human condition is da same all over; yer all a bunch of schleps lookin for the steel cap of a size 13 in the keister. Heck, it mighta taken me a while to realize, but I don’t gots to travel none to see the likes of what I seen, I can just wait for it to slink up to me with it cap in its hand and heart on its sleeve. It can all go t’hell in a hand-basket, from now on the world can come to me. I ain’t movin nowhere soon.

I guess some of youse have been curious about my travels, specially how I been communicatin wit udder people. Moro wants ta know how many languages dere are around da world, fer one. Well Moro, all I gots ta say about dat is dere's only one language dat matters - money. If yez gots it, everone in da vacinity makes a real good effort ta figure out what ya wants. Money makes da world go round. Heck, money makes da world dress up in it’s cousin Mabel’s tutu and sing When Irish Eyes are Smilin, capiche!? But I digresses...

Now, way back in da day, Emma Proctor axed what's up with da accent, and I gotta say, I dunno what accent she's axin about. I ain't got no accent. Maybe you is like my cousin Hammerhead Jones. He was a two-bit boxer in the twenties. More of a punchin bag really. Got himself so banged up in the day those cauliflower ears of his made everyone sound like a bad day at Chinese fish markets he reckoned. Still when he hung up the gloves it gots him a job at the Shanghai races. Maybe youse has gotten one too many knocks around the back the scone Emma?!

Lolita Marinez axed if I learned me ta speak parrot while I was shootin' dice wit da pirates. Let me tell ya, Shady don't want no cracker, and dat's all I'm sayin.

Now, language wasn't at da top of everybody's mind. For one, Magdalene seemed ta be a little worried dat I might be dead. Since this aint no séance, obviously, I'm very much alive, no tanks ta my cousin Louie, on account of da little bar tab he ran up. Yeah, I had a couple of tough guys knockin' on my door, but me and dem had a little chat, and dey won't be knockin on any doors for a while. And speakin of Louie, dat rat, Lady Latina wants ta know if she's gonna meet him some day. All I can tell ya, little lady, is dat ain't no one in Sleuthville gonna be meetin that rotten son of a rotten tomata sammich any time soon. If ya didn't meets him when he was at my table in da corner, it's too late now. Yez can come see me if yez want, I never turn away a pretty lady what gots some cash ta give me.

Some of yez also seem t’be real worried-like about my bizness. Ya gots nothin ta worry about, kids. Ain't nothin new under da sun, Aknas, and I plan ta be counting my money long after some of youse big shot gumshoes give up da ghost. And since yer askin, Ctown28, no, dem pirates didn't give me no soft spots for yer hard work. Hey, I'm a hard workin guy myself. I'll tell ya what, though - I ain't never extorted nothin from nobody. It sure ain't my fault you screwed up yer case and accused an innocent man. Not dat any man is truly innocent, peoples is animals, if ya want da truth.

I gots me a real special letter from Anais Nin, more of yer novel really. Not one of yer hundred page pulp fiction who dunnits, more like War and Peace - not dat I ever read it. But it holds up da corner of da dresser, ya know? Now, Anais is all worried dat maybe I doesn't like her. It ain't dat, I like ya real good, just as long as ya keep da cash comin in. And ya know, I gots no problem believin ya loves ta talk to people. Really, it warms my shriveled heart ta know you'd hate to lose me. But ya know, I ain't got time fer all dat palaver, I gots bizness ta get done, and I can't do it when yer babblin at me. Just sayin.

But seems like Teecat gots a different problem, but it’s one I symsathises with, given Anais is flappin her gums like a sheet in the wind. Teecat, ya see, wants ta know how ta make Emily shut up. Now, I dunno if it's yer Anty or yer sister or even yer daughter, but there aint much youse can do ter get a dame to shut her yap once she’s really put her mind to it. I'll give ya some advice though. Just look at her like yer sizin her up to fit her in a coffin, and I guarantee ya some peace and quiet. Works fer me all da time.

I found an interestin note from Ms Helen in da mail. She wants ta know what kinda cheese da moon is made from. Funny enough, down by da bottom of da huge pile of mail I'm still wadin through, Amanda92 axed da same thing. Whaddya girls think, I been in a rocket ship from one of dose Science Fiction novels? No, I ain't. But like I heard in a song, da moon was made from old green cheese. It's in a song, see, so it's gotta be true, right? What do I care?

Finally, to Sasha Islar, I got no idea who wrote da note. Ya wanna know who wrote da note, ya goes ta someone what looks at writin all da time, ya know? I just looks at money, and dat's da way I likes it.