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Dear Sleuthy...
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crunchpatty
Old Shoe
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Feb-14-2007 21:37
Post with a problem or advice...
*note that this idea for a thread was shamelessly pilfered from the fertile mind of the Secret_Squirrel. (He might be short a kidney and some change too, but hey...he took a sip). As a result, and in keeping with the protocol set forth in agency case sharing half the credit is his. Half the blame too. :P
Dear Sleuthy,
I got me a problem, hoo boy. My back is itchy, right in the centre, where I can't reach it. And not just a little itchy either...it's like, epilepsy itchy. I'm convulsing like my job was volunteering for pharmaco-military lab research. I've been self-medicating with the help of this pasta fork I have downstairs, but I got people coming in for linguine tomorrow, and I need time to run it through the dishwasher at least four times.
Please advise,
Signed,
Twitching in Toronto
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Replies |
MamaTerra
Assistant Postman
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Feb-16-2007 14:08
Dear Sleepless in Boston:
Don't mind the ones who don't yet know how rockin' you are. They'll learn eventually.
Meanwhile, bask in the reverence that is already shown to you by certain Valentines and Prom Dates.
Sincerely,
Mother Earth
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Emma Barlowe
Well-Connected
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Feb-16-2007 21:48
Dear Sleuthy:
I have been reading your recent threads with much interest - but I do have one question:
Would a cup really stop an assault by an angry knifeboot-wielding person kicking with all of their might?
If so, please forward the one enclosed with this letter to "Slightly Stabbed Squirrel". I have taken it upon myself to reinforce it with some steel to help him keep him protected while he's down.
Please let him know that his tale of woe has affected myself, and others, very deeply.
Oh, and by the way, where can I get a pair of those ever-so-nifty knifeboots? ;)
Best wishes,
Nutterly Fabulous
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Jojo
Old Shoe
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Feb-16-2007 22:18
Dear Nutterly Fabulous,
Yes, the cup really does help. I've enclosed a titanium plated one with this letter, so that your friend might have his nuts left uncracked.
The knifeboots? - Try your local Newbie-Fixing-'R-Us. They usually have some in stock.
Sincerely,
The Man in the Iron Mask
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Serges
Vigilante
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Feb-16-2007 22:52
Dear Sleuthy,
Lately it has come to my attention that my friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers have suddenly stopped talking to me and begin to cringe in fear whenever i walk into a room. It all started a few weeks ago when I got these great new shoes.
As I am a generally good-natured and decent chap, what can I do to regain my good standing?
Kickstab McKnifeboot
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Special_K
Lucky Stiff
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Feb-16-2007 23:50
Dear Kickstab McKnifeboot:
Give them to Biggie
Sincerely,
A completely uninterested third party with no bias whatsoever in this matter.
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Sara Lou
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Feb-21-2007 08:51
Dear Sleuthy,
I have a crush on the boy at school, and he's really nice and flirts with me. But the other day I saw him with knifeboots kicking a boy who was yelling "NOT THE TITANIUM PLATED CUP!!!!" I really do like this boy, but when he's not around me, he's kciking people with thoose horrid boots!
What can I do? I want my cake (the boy) but I want to eat it to (keep him knfeboot-less).
Sincerely,
Crushing in Knifeboot City
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crunchpatty
Old Shoe
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Feb-27-2007 23:25
Dear Crushing,
The power is all in your hands (or, perhaps feet, if you like) here! You have two choices:
a) accept that you are in serious like with a chronic and recidivist groin-stabber, spend as much time as you can near him to defray the genetic impact of his knee-jerk responses upon the gene pool and look forward to countless hours in you mid-thirties on a therapist's couch wondering about the origin of the attraction, or
b) look for the qualities that you admire in this boy in someone less excited by the prospect of making other men bleed like they were auditioning for a cross-dressers-only tampon commercial casting call.
And, when in doubt, *Antoinette voice* Let them eat cake!
(crunchpatty edit: yeah, or you could just tell him you think penny loafers are teh secksi)
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Serges
Vigilante
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Mar-4-2007 00:13
Dear Sleuthy:
It turns out that knifeboots are illegal in the state in which I live, along with 48 other ones in the Union. My choices are to dispose of the footwear that has gotten me through an otherwise cold and stab-less winter, or move to Vermont.
Please advise.
Sincerely,
Guy who loves violence but hates maple syrup
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Secret_Squirrel
Safety Officer
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Mar-4-2007 02:29
Dear Guy who loves violence but hates maple syrup,
Have you considered turning your boots to the purpose of good?
There are lawns that will never be aerated; cheese that will never achieve the lofty heights of being able to be called 'Swiss'; Woodpeckers with beak deformities that would otherwise be homeless; Jewish children that will never... yes ok... maybe not; but don't you see that 'goodness' calls out to you and your knifeboots.
It is indeed a hasty, yet agreed - knifebooted, step to consider moving to Vermont. The syrup stains alone on that nicely polished leather, are enough reason not to go, surely.
Consider walking in the 'light'.
You will find invariably anything you do today that is considered wrong and evil, can be justified if you join the ranks of the morally righteous.
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Vellozo
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Mar-4-2007 09:36
Dear Guy who loves violence but hates maple syrup,
Don't listening Sr. Secret...never use your boots to the purpose of good
if you want to kill...just kill...but be carefull if your back...
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