Sleuth Home - Detective crunchpatty

Director - SMRT Investigations

Old Shoe
Very Tough
6808 days
Reformed Burglar
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Classic Sleuth
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Fightin Jacks The Fangs Newsie Mysterious Gentleman Rattlesnake Cowboy Boots

Completed Missions

  • Packages Delivered: 15
  • Overdue Books Returned: 15
  • Nemeses Captured: 0
  • Secret Plans Revealed: 0
  • Artifacts Unearthed: 0
  • Journal Pages Found: 0
  • Brass Rings Won: 0

Detective Biography

All these people drinking lover's spit
Swallowing words while giving head
Despite rumors to the contrary, I really DON'T wanna be your nasty man. I was only ever in it for the tights.

Keep your junk your anti-climax right hurrrr:
nephitism (KNEE-fye-ti-zum):

(neh'-fih-ti-zum) N. 1. A condition that compels a process of perpetual retirement and serial replacement of detectives by a single player who enjoys the game but struggles with the social aspects of it, leading them to suggest numerous enhancements for lone wolf detectives who are subscribed. Like the more familiar "Nepotism" it suggests a genealogical relevance, to the extent that what seems random and unique is in fact united by a common bloodline. May eventually lead to in-breeding.

maaaan, really? I'd always assumed it rhymed with Jeffy-tism :)
biggie n' crunch's apartment wish list/bridal registry part deux:

Vending machine full of funyons and Nerds (tyvm cenoecox!)
Monopoly thimbles - lots of 'em
Dirty Mad Libs that like to (Verb) their own Feces
Musty confession booth awaiting mad pimpage
A wagon-load of complete and utter billshit. Comes with shivel of your choice.
Rubik's tube. Yeah, you heard right. It's bouncy and phallic and mathletic. And it has stickers.
Free paternity tests on demand, 'while-u-wait'. Just like Maury Povich.
One line for free breast exams. One line for free "Trust me I'm a doctor" T-shirts.
Free, head-sized paper bags with "I ain't fugly" written across the back and a strategically-cut mouth hole in the front.
*Lady Jas* calls me Papi. But only cuz I'm incontinent, and befouled my dress. Weep for JasNmushu.
To steal a line from "the book of Duritz": Love, like blood, comes pouring out of me.
This space for rent:

Secret_Squirrel: Last night in Sleuthchat I *learned that if crunchpatty doesn't cut back on the baby oil they should start giving out those nifty little shoe covers that doctors wear in surgery, as you walk in the door. I suspect Helen Corning is just a sleuthchat robot: no human can stay awake for that long, so many days in a row, unless they're plugged in to something. AND I'm sure that pound for pound, inch for inch, biggie is about as much boy-fun as you can get without dropping a pair of ferrets down your trousers; but that's just me. and my strange Australian ways...*

*sigh* Biggie is HAWT and I heart her even when she's blowing huge monkey chunks...or huge monkeys. Way to bob on Bobo for the right team sugar. You know I got your back if you need someone to hold your hair. In either case.

I don't know what I should do with my hands when I talk to you.
And you don't know where you should look.
So you look at my hands.


Order o Socrates:  Fair(1)
Arcanum Brthrhd:  Fair(5)
Cosa Nostra:  Poor(-1)
Eastern Triads:  Fair(7)
Circle of Light:  Poor(-3)
Green Hand:  Fair(3)
The Tea Steepers:  Great(50)
Shangri La Tigers:  Terrible(-50)


Banker (New York)
Priest (New York)
Tailor (London)
Fortune Teller (London)
Stage Manager (Shanghai)
Barber (Shanghai)
Podiatrist (Delhi)
Waiter (Delhi)
Fortune Teller (Cairo)
Banker (Cairo)

Arch Villains

Esmeralda "the Rat" Wolf

Sir Alaczar Mahendra

Admiral Violet Panzer

Admiral Rex Blood

Ivy "the Weasel" Panzer

Clytemnestra "the Mole" Rowe

Caesar "Snake Eyes" Derringer

Captain Shang-Ti von Schneider

Professor Lilith Derringer

Philbert "Whirling Dervish" von Wrath

Books Collected

The Mysterious Affair at Styles
Agatha Christie

The Hound of the Baskervilles
Arthur Conan Doyle

A History of Indian Philosophy
Surendranath Dasgupta