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Jan-24-2007 23:11

Jan-26-2007 15:24

oops a case of double copy & paste........

Jan-26-2007 15:26

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

18. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

19. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

21. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

22. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

23. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

24. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

25. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

26. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of
jalapeno's. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Jan-26-2007 21:08

24. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

words to live by, right there :)

Jan-27-2007 01:11

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Pssshh, that's been my personal mantra since...I dunno. I'll look for the exact date later.

Thanks so much Biggles, now I have the knick-knack paddy-whack song in my head. That'll be fun to go to sleep to.

Jan-27-2007 07:32

well, off topic, but i am sorry for you serges.
anywho! i don't know many bad jokes, stupid ones really, but here goes! :oD

alright:I'm cold all the time and I'm black and blue all over. What am I?

A blueberry penguin. (it only eats blueberries)

I know. Dumb, right? well at least you can't say that I didn't try!!

Jan-27-2007 09:10

sami... stupid jokes are funny too... i think that's the whole point of this thread... to cheer people up... i'm just more of a person with a funny story here and there... i don't know many jokes... but i'm sure i can go look up a joke or two...

Jan-28-2007 01:51

A man goes into a pet store, looking for a pet. The salesman offers him cats, dogs, hamsters, even snakes; those just aren't right for him. So the salesperson motions him to come closer, and whispers about a new "pet" they have just gotten in - a catapillar. Not just any catapillar. A cooking, cleaning, talking, dancing lightning fast catapillar.

"Well, I can see why you are whispering! You'd be out of stock in no time! I'll take one."

So he takes his new pet home, and when he gets there he tells the catapillar to clean his living room. 5 minutes later the room is spotless! Thrilled, he tells the catapillar he is going to take a shower, and when he's done he wants a 5 course meal laid out at the table for him.

He gets out of the shower 10 minutes later and the catapillar has a feast of all feasts laid out. Steak, roast, three different kinds of potatoes, everything a proper dinner should have!

So the guys sits down to eat, but realizes he forgot to pick up milk from the store on his way home.

"Catapillar, go to the store and get me a carton of milk. Chop chop, I'm thirsty."

The catapillar goes out the door, and the guy sits at the table waiting for the milk.

A couple minutes go by and the catapillar hasn't returned. "Odd," the man thinks. "The store is right across the street."

10 minutes pass, no catapillar. 15 minutes pass... no catapillar. 30 minutes pass... no catapillar. Finally the guy gets worried, so he decides to look for his new pet.

He opens the door and the catapillar is sitting on the front porch.
"Catapillar, what's taking you so long????"

The catapillar replies:

"Give me a break, I have to get my shoes on."

Jan-28-2007 01:55

A man sits down alone at Thanksgiving to eat his turkey feast that he has cooked for himself. Just as he is about to take his first bite, he hears a knock at the door.

He answers the door, and before him he sees a slimy little snail. The snail looks up at him with big brown eyes and says "Oh please sir, could you spare some of your feast for a poor little snail like me?"

"NO" the man replies, and then he kicks the snail 20 feet.

A month passes, and the man sits down alone to his Christmas dinner that he has cooked. He is just about to take a bite when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees the snail sitting in front of him again.

The snail looks up at him and yells "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!"

Jan-28-2007 02:00

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put your Bible away Frank our prayers have been answered!!"

Jan-28-2007 02:04

*names have been changed to protect the innocent. I prefer to use Newfie, but I doubt non-canadians will get that =P


***

A Canadian, an American and an Idiot* are stranded on a desert island.

The Canadian has a glass of water, the American has a plate of food and the Idiot has a car door.

The rescue squad comes along and before they board the helicopter he just has to ask:

"Canadian, why do you have a glass of water?"
"So that when I get thirsty I can have a drink."

"American, why do you have a plate of food?"
"So that when I get hungry I can eat."

Then he comes to the Idiot.
"Idiot, why do you have a car door?"
And the Idiot responds....

"So that when I get hot I can roll down the window."