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Serges
Serges
Vigilante

Jan-24-2007 23:11



Replies

Sleuth Sindy
Sleuth Sindy
Pinball Wizard

Jan-26-2007 00:41

My sister was in the Navy for several years as a single mother. I lived with my sister and my niece for a few of those years and helped care for my niece. One day shortly after I started living with them, Iwas taking my niece (she was 5 at the time) to school in the morning, and she looked at me and asked, "Tita, why don't you wear an outfit to work?"

It took me a few minutes to realize she was asking me why I didn't wear a "uniform" to work like her mother did. With an inward smile, I explained to her that not everybody wore a "uniform" to work, and that I didn't have to. Her little face scrunched up in thought and then cleared, and she looked at me with those wonderful child's eyes and asked me, "Is that what your Captain told you?"

eeyores_lost_tail
eeyores_lost_tail

Jan-26-2007 01:53

Sleuth Cindy, I can imagine. I grew up around an Air Force Base.

There is one thing I wish I didn't have to hear...my daughter and I were playing pool on our pool table and I kept hearing "Oh Snap" from one of her favorite TV shows. That is been an overused expression lately...lol

Lady Emerald Devon
Lady Emerald Devon
Nomad

Jan-26-2007 05:43

Thinking about The Office and David Brent always cracks me up. (Sorry guys, the real Office, what is that American crap?)

Anyhow, here go some quotes:

David: "If we're facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking"
Tim: "Yep, very nice. You're quite a philosopher"
David: "Well, it's just that... I think that our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall"
Tim: "Are you reading these?"
David: "Am I what?!"
Tim: "Reading the quotes"
David: "Sort of..."

Tim: “I live with my parents.”
David: “Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad’s not dead, but in a home, so good as.”

“If a military man like you, a soldier, er, could you give a man a lethal blow?”
“If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary, if he was attacking me.”
“If he was coming, really hard?”
“Yeah, if my life was in danger, yeah.”
“And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke, or could you take man from behind?”
“Either ways easy.”
“So you could take a man from behind?”
“Yeah.”
“Lovely.”
(Dawn, Tim and Gareth)

David: “There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I’ll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there’s nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go ‘ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.’ Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he’s not, it’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.”

Lady Emerald Devon
Lady Emerald Devon
Nomad

Jan-26-2007 05:46

David, getting quite emotional.:
“This is the poem Slough, by Sir John Betjemen, probably never been here in his life. ‘Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, it isn’t fit for humans now.’ Right, I don’t think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place, he’s embarrassed himself there. Next ‘In labour saving homes with care, their wives frizz out peroxide hair, and dry it in synthetic air, and paint their nails-’ they wanna look nice, what’s the matter, doesn’t he like girls? ‘And talks of sports and makes of cars, and various bogus Tudor bars, and daren’t look up and see the stars, but belch instead.’ What's he on about? What, has he never burped? ‘Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, to get it ready for the plough. The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales-’ He’s the only cabbage round here. And they made him a night of the realm. Overrated.”

Ananke
Ananke
Old Shoe

Jan-26-2007 10:15

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw


And that's all I have to say!!!

biggie528
biggie528
Lucky Stiff

Jan-26-2007 10:31

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...



"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."


Arabella Parker
Arabella Parker
Well-Connected

Jan-26-2007 11:47

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."




The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Johnny Shea was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."


Arabella Parker
Arabella Parker
Well-Connected

Jan-26-2007 11:49

It’s all in the punctuation.

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. John, you have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy. Will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Dear John,
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior, John. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria.


Autumnsprings
Autumnsprings
Con Artist

Jan-26-2007 15:08



this is kinda sick but I could see a kid doing something like this:-(

Enjoy.........I'm still laughing!!!!


A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets The urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe What she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees. And he takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually SEEN a fart !"




BadAss
BadAss
Charioteer

Jan-26-2007 15:24

Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

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