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Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home



Aug-16-2005 16:53

This is one for the girls. Not sure it fits the thread but gave me such a laugh I had to share. Enjoy!

Back in the 1950s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned,
trussed and reinforced, and not so much sewn as engineered. They were
built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent
rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, so I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot. Which gives the added
bonus that should you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are
protected from shark attacks, as any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place, I gasped in bosom had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib....


Aug-16-2005 16:55

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately
it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me
oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump
of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there
you are!" , she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't
so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized
napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane.. pregnant with triplets and having a
rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would
have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit . . ... a two-piece affair with a
shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label
which read --

"Material may become transparent when wet."

P. Rockwell
P. Rockwell

Aug-30-2005 23:11

How about: 1 PE Short of a Crime Sence?

The ever dark but funny Darmin Awards:
2004 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin
(13 July 2004, West Virginia) An unidentified man in Blacksville, while relaxing in a portable outhouse, decided that it would be even more relaxing to light up a cigarette, inadvertently demonstrating another reason to give up the life-shortening habit. According to a spokeswoman for the ambulance, the methane in the porta-potty “didn't take too kindly” to the lit cigarette and exploded in a fireball. The man, whose identity was withheld “due to privacy policies,” was able to drive himself to the Clay-Battelle Health Center on the Mason-Dixon Highway. At that point, an ambulance was called in to transfer this difficult case to Ruby Memorial Hospital. The man's life was not in danger, but health care workers declined to reveal whether the man's injuries were serious enough to remove his contribution to the gene pool.

Madame Giry
Madame Giry

Aug-31-2005 08:34

Ha, that's funny!


Aug-31-2005 20:25

That was funny Geddes. Since you mentioned bathing suits, I will tell a true story about myself that happened when I was 12 years old. I tried to write this a moment ago, but for some reason something happened and I was knocked out of Sleuth and now I'm having to retype the story, so I might do this in sections....but maybe I can get it typed without having to do that.

On a hot sunny summer day my best girlfriend and I decided to go to the public swimming pool to swim and get a tan. On this day I decided to wear a one piece black sexy bathing suit, but the only problem was the bra size was for a full mature bossomed woman. Well, that didn't matter to me for I was deterimed to wear it anyway, because it showed off my figure. Well, I tried to fill the bra with different things, including wash rags which didn't look natural, so I ended up filling them with toilet tissue. Since I was pretty flat chested it took quite a bit, but thinking I had it all under control I put on my wrap and my friend and I headed for the pool. (By the way she didn't have any idea what I was wearing..ha!) Well, I'll never forget when I walked out to the pool and I made sure every eye there was on me, expecially all the boys. I'll never forget when I walked out to get into the pool how my friend's eyes popped wide-open when she saw how big I was all of a sudden...ha! Well, I was proud and smiling from ear to ear as I slowly inched my way down into the water, however once I dipped down and came back up there was toilet tissue everywhere.....


Aug-31-2005 20:44

I frantically tried grabbing all I could, but the more I grabbed, the more came out of my bra. I yelled at my friend to come and help me, and because she loved me so and because we had been more like sisters than friends, she jumped in and started grabbing too. Well, needless to say, I was banned from the pool, and all others had to get out, while the pool cleanup guys had to fish it all out. Oh yeah, I didn't hang around after that for I made I fast get-away and I don't think I went back to the public swimming pool for a long time after that day....LOL. Well, talk about learn and live hard lessons in life, I learned after that day it pays to be yourself, no matter what. Well, I'd love to say that was the only stupid thing I ever done like this, but I will tell one more on me.

Again, this was on a hot summer day and my brother, his wife, my sister and her boyfriend went swimming. I was always a dare devil and my brother was always daring me to do things that was very dangerious usually for money. We were at this creek where there was this 60 ft. cleft on one side, (there about. I climbed up to to dive or jump down, & everything looked so very small. Since there wasn't a way to climb back down, I had to jump, so jump I did. Well, once I hit the water the force tore my swmimming suit completely off, plus I hit the side of my head and for a bit I was somewhat senseless. I knew I couldn't come out of the water, so I stayed under and swam downstream, till I was out of sight and could come out on the bank to hide. I heard my sister crying, "Oh My God, she's dead, she's drowned," and everyone was going crazy. Before they began to start looking for me, I yelled out that I was fine, but lost my bathing suit, which we found and I put on, then we all called it a day. I know there's probably a lot of stories that different ones could tell, & true stories are so fun to share. Hope you all enjoyed. God bles


Aug-31-2005 20:55

Hope this wasn't offensive to anyone. My spouse just said: "Too late now," hum. I know it's silly, but heck I was just a silly tomboy that was trying to be sexy and didn't know how...hehe. Oh, in case anyone's wondering where I've been, I would appreciate everyone's prayers in my behalf. The past three weeks I've been very ill and was in the hospital for one week due to a bad kidney and colon complications. I was one sick, and I'm suppose to contact the surgeon that took care of me there to setup a time for surgery. I won't go into the details, but I really miss my friends here, the game & my time on my computer. Being away three weeks isn't easy...LOL, right? Yelp, I could feel the pains of withdrawals, but since I'm too weak to solve any cases, I thought I'd share a couple of fun stories with all my friends, and I look forward to hearing from some of you too. Take care and so long for now. .........LV YA'LL


Sep-4-2005 20:36

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 696969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Lady Emerald Devon
Lady Emerald Devon

Sep-4-2005 20:40

Why did the koala fall out of the gumtree?


Sep-4-2005 20:49

Having a very bad day
You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You put both contacts into the same eye.

Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful.

The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.

You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.

You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

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