Sleuth Home - Message Boards - The Gumshoe Lounge

0 0
Come Share & Enjoy Humor!
  <<First Page  |  <Previous Next>  |  Last Page>>  


Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home


Dark Raven
Dark Raven
Trusted Informer

Oct-2-2005 05:54

Here are a few funny quotes in regards to my profession (paramedic), don't mind the dark humor...

You might be in the paramedical field too long when:

-You find humor in other people's stupidity.
-You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "It sure is quiet around here!"
-You are out in public and compliment a stranger on their great veins
-You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
-You have ever restrained someone, and it was NOT a sexual experience.
-You believe that "too stupid to survive" should be a diagnosis
-You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce
-You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate
-You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...
-You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...
-Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion...
-You believe your patient is demonically possessed (actually had one like that..)


Oct-4-2005 20:11

Dark Raven thanks for sharing the humor. I enjoyed it.


Oct-4-2005 20:35

This gave me a good laugh, & I hope I don't offend anyone. I thought it was cute & could just see a man standing there trying to get his sales pitch across, but because it took forever to say a few words, hey purchased the bible to save So, I shared this in good light:)

Bible Salesman

A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference.
One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir."

Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

Colonel Shanty
Colonel Shanty

Oct-5-2005 14:20

LOL! That was very funny! Here's something I thought up myself (if you're offended in any way by my humor, please ignore this piece completely):

The Priest's Way

Father Nicholas was feeling the pressure of being a priest. He felt that too many of his regular attenders were confessing to sins so openly and not even being sorry. So he made up a system of code words for sins so that he could be stronger and more willing to relinquish the people's sins:

BEING LAZY AND ARE ALWAYS BEING NAGGED AT: Comitting a violent act (hitting, punching etc)

The system worked much better, and these truly forgivable sins were code words to the vilest ones. When Father Nicholas became ill and passed away, he was happy and contented. The new priest, Father Richard, was puzzled, because he didn't know there was a code word system for the vile sins. So, one day, he went to the mayor. "Mayor, mayor! My church-goers are confessing to the most ridiculous of sins!" he complained to the mayor. The mayor giggled. This guy didn't know about Father Nicholas' code word system! "Well, don't worry. I'm sure their nothing too serious!" he laughed. Father Richard puffed up. "You should think so, since your wife has been breaking other people's property for the past two months or so!"


Oct-5-2005 18:19

Wow, you made it up? Good one Colonel. I usually make people laugh by the silly things I do or say, and usually what happens to me...LOL!


Oct-5-2005 21:05

Annoy People
1)Pay tolls with $100 bills

2)Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot

3)Eat produce at the market; don't buy it

4)When giving directions, leave out a turn or two

5)Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April

6)Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons

7)Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines

8)Announce when you're going to the bathroom

9)Chew other people's pencils

10)Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

11)Wear large hats during the movies

12)Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus

13)Bite your dentist's finger

14)Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

15)Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads

16)Don't stand during hymns and anthems

17)Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa

18)Tell people they have bad breath

19)Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

20) Flirt with a friend's spouse

21) Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team

22) Shake with your left hand

23) Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

24) Drum on every available surface.

25) Staple papers in the middle of the page.

26) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

27) Honk and wave to strangers.

28) Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

29) Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. (Texan does this to us..hehe!)

30) Decline to be seated


Oct-6-2005 20:49

1.If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

2. Is there another word for synonym?

3. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

5. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

6. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

7. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

8. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

9. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

10. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

11. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

12. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

13. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

15. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

16. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

17. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Oct-7-2005 10:43

haha i like this one, and its true. some poor men just cant get it right,no matter what they say LOL


WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."


Oct-7-2005 16:07

That was funny Mak:) Hey, here's a few funny jokes texan told me today, then he asked me to share them here for him, so here goes,


A man was in his front yard mowing the lawn when his blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house.....then a little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?", she glares at him and replies, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying,"You've got Mail."


Oct-7-2005 16:46


An Older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you use to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across and gave her a peck on the cheek, then settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "TO GET MY TEETH!"

  <<First Page  |  <Previous Next>  |  Last Page>>  

[ You must login to reply ]