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Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home


Lady Emerald Devon
Lady Emerald Devon

Sep-28-2005 05:34



Sep-30-2005 15:49

Ok, "This is a true story that happened to me"

One cool winter's night I decided to sleep with my bedroom window open that was right beside my bed. From this window was the view of the back yard & at the edge of the back yard, lots of brush & trees. That night after drifting into a deep slumber, a skunk made it's way up the small wood pile beneath the window, & up onto my bed. As it crawled across me it woke me up & I let out a loud scream, at which time the skunk sprayed my bed & room good, then ran back out through my window.That morning I went to school,but nobody could stand the smell. By second hour English teacher kept stiffing the air and finally asked, "Where is that skunk order coming from," and everyone pointing at Needless to say, she sent me to the office with a note explaining to the principal, & I was sent home for a few days, or at least until the order was dealt It took a couple of weeks to rid of the smell in my room entirely, but I returned to school in a few days. Well, guess the only good thing out of this was, a free vacation..hehe. Anyway, since then I've never slept with the windows open at night, & only use a fan.


Sep-30-2005 15:54

Correction: By second period, my English teacher started sniffing the air & finally asked, "Where is that skunk order coming from?" and everyone in class started pointing at me.

P. Rockwell
P. Rockwell

Sep-30-2005 16:23

A neighbor of mine had a skunk sneak into their house through their garage. She found it when their 3 year old girl ran into the living room and fell down. Her mom bent down to pick up her daughter and found herself nose to nose with the skunk, who was hiding under their living room sofa.
They left it alone and put some fruit on outside their front door with the door open. When night came their guest snuck off. They have his escape on camera. And they were so good to see it go!

Dark Raven
Dark Raven
Trusted Informer

Oct-2-2005 05:54

Here are a few funny quotes in regards to my profession (paramedic), don't mind the dark humor...

You might be in the paramedical field too long when:

-You find humor in other people's stupidity.
-You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "It sure is quiet around here!"
-You are out in public and compliment a stranger on their great veins
-You think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
-You have ever restrained someone, and it was NOT a sexual experience.
-You believe that "too stupid to survive" should be a diagnosis
-You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce
-You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate
-You have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there"...
-You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you begin to laugh uncontrollably...
-Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion...
-You believe your patient is demonically possessed (actually had one like that..)


Oct-4-2005 20:11

Dark Raven thanks for sharing the humor. I enjoyed it.


Oct-4-2005 20:35

This gave me a good laugh, & I hope I don't offend anyone. I thought it was cute & could just see a man standing there trying to get his sales pitch across, but because it took forever to say a few words, hey purchased the bible to save So, I shared this in good light:)

Bible Salesman

A sales company has particular trouble selling Bibles in their location. They are always looking for someone to break through to their market and make a real difference.
One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "I-I-I-I'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b-b-be a B-B-B-Bible salesman, s-s-s-sir."

Initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but his conscience got the better of him. He decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the sales figures and realizes that the new guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d- d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the B-B-B-Bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t- t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

Colonel Shanty
Colonel Shanty

Oct-5-2005 14:20

LOL! That was very funny! Here's something I thought up myself (if you're offended in any way by my humor, please ignore this piece completely):

The Priest's Way

Father Nicholas was feeling the pressure of being a priest. He felt that too many of his regular attenders were confessing to sins so openly and not even being sorry. So he made up a system of code words for sins so that he could be stronger and more willing to relinquish the people's sins:

BEING LAZY AND ARE ALWAYS BEING NAGGED AT: Comitting a violent act (hitting, punching etc)

The system worked much better, and these truly forgivable sins were code words to the vilest ones. When Father Nicholas became ill and passed away, he was happy and contented. The new priest, Father Richard, was puzzled, because he didn't know there was a code word system for the vile sins. So, one day, he went to the mayor. "Mayor, mayor! My church-goers are confessing to the most ridiculous of sins!" he complained to the mayor. The mayor giggled. This guy didn't know about Father Nicholas' code word system! "Well, don't worry. I'm sure their nothing too serious!" he laughed. Father Richard puffed up. "You should think so, since your wife has been breaking other people's property for the past two months or so!"


Oct-5-2005 18:19

Wow, you made it up? Good one Colonel. I usually make people laugh by the silly things I do or say, and usually what happens to me...LOL!


Oct-5-2005 21:05

Annoy People
1)Pay tolls with $100 bills

2)Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot

3)Eat produce at the market; don't buy it

4)When giving directions, leave out a turn or two

5)Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April

6)Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons

7)Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines

8)Announce when you're going to the bathroom

9)Chew other people's pencils

10)Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

11)Wear large hats during the movies

12)Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus

13)Bite your dentist's finger

14)Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

15)Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads

16)Don't stand during hymns and anthems

17)Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa

18)Tell people they have bad breath

19)Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

20) Flirt with a friend's spouse

21) Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team

22) Shake with your left hand

23) Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

24) Drum on every available surface.

25) Staple papers in the middle of the page.

26) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

27) Honk and wave to strangers.

28) Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

29) Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. (Texan does this to us..hehe!)

30) Decline to be seated

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