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Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home

Oct-6-2005 20:49

1.If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

2. Is there another word for synonym?

3. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

4. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

5. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

6. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

7. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

8. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

9. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

10. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

11. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

12. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

13. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

15. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

16. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

17. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Oct-7-2005 10:43

haha i like this one, and its true. some poor men just cant get it right,no matter what they say LOL

A DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG..

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

Oct-7-2005 16:07

That was funny Mak:) Hey, here's a few funny jokes texan told me today, then he asked me to share them here for him, so here goes,

DUMB BLONDE JOKES:

A man was in his front yard mowing the lawn when his blonde neighbor came out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in her house.....then a little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, opened it and slammed it shut again. Angered, she again stormed back in her house. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out yet again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it, and then slammed it shut harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked, "Is something wrong?", she glares at him and replies, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying,"You've got Mail."

Oct-7-2005 16:46

FOR SOME THE ROMANCE NEVER DIES:

An Older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you use to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across and gave her a peck on the cheek, then settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "TO GET MY TEETH!"

Oct-7-2005 16:52

LOL! Good one, DaRu! Let me add on to this theme by giving you another humorous short:

DUMB BLONDE JOKES - Blonde and Blind
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Debbie Rosenbloom was the prettiest girl on the block. What the guys didn't know, though, was that she was "a few fries short of a Happy Meal." Ray, the cool guy, was flirting with Debbie when she was walking her dog, Fluffy. "Hi sweet pea," he crooned as she picked up Fluffy's mess from a flower garden. "I like vegetables!" she admitted. "Not peas, though. I'm more of a cabbage gal." Flustered, Ray tried harder to get her attention. "You look cute today, honey bunny!" he said in a soft voice. "Bunny's are cute!" she admitted. "Though I'm not much of a bunny lover." Desperate to catch her attention, Ray dug on. "Debbie, I just wanted to say that your perfume smells as sweet as a bouquet of flowers!" Debbie sighed. "My mom made me wear it. I stink up the house!" she giggled. "Although, I don't like the smell of flowers." Ray flung his hands in the air, then went back inside his house. Debbie scratched her head, and kept on walking. "Was that guy talking to me? I thought he was talking to you, Fluffy!" she said to the dog.

Oct-7-2005 16:53

I posted before I got to see the "For Some the Romance Never Dies." The "Blonde and Blind" story was a continuation of dumb blonde jokes.

Oct-7-2005 20:37

LOL Daru!! Good ones!

Oct-9-2005 15:45

Thank you my dear..Makensie! Here's couple that's cute.

OLD GEEZERS:

"A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to this wife by endearing terms, calling her "Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and so on.

The Guest was impressed since the couple had been married amost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful, that after years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet name. His buddy hung his head, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
-------------------------------------------------
CALL THE PREACHER

The Pentecostal minister had been summoned to the beside of the Presbyterian woman who was quite ill. As he went up the walk, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her,
"I'm very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?" "No!, answer the child, He's at home, but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn't want to expose him to it."
-------------------------------------------------BLONDE JOKE:

A blonde walked into an airport and up to the ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket. "Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent. The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duuuuh, back here!" THE END!......ha!

Oct-12-2005 17:45

a man walks in the park an sees an elderly man crying his eyes out, he asks are you ok sir? The elderly man replied: " you know, I have a 22 year old wife, she is a swimsuit model and all she wants is to have sex all day..." Then he starts crying again. Shocked the man sits down and asks: "I'm sorry sir but I really can't see what the problem is", the elderly man replied: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE........"

Oct-13-2005 13:44

Hehe, Dark Raven! OK, I've heard these sooo many times, so I'd thought I'd share them with you:

MALIKA
*~*~*~*
Malika was a girl from southern India who was attending Grade 8 in elementary school. None of her parents or grandparents spoke any English, however. That's when the trouble started....
Malika was supposed to go to the dentist at 2:10, but her grandpa was late. At about 2:25, her grandpa pulled into the school's parking lot. He didn't read any English, so he ignored the signs that said "ALL VISITORS PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE TO OBTAIN A VISITOR'S TAG!" He went to the top floor, and went to the wrong classroom (a Grade 4 class). He started screaming in a thickly accented voice, "MALIKA, MALIKA!" He waved his hands to the teacher, and the teacher and students just looked at him, startled. "MALIKA, MALIKA!" He screamed. The teacher picked up the phone and dialed the office number. "Miss Lexington, there's a crazy Indian man shouting in some foreign language at us!" he said in a slightly panicky voice. Soon, the secretary and the vice-principal pulled the man out of the school. He was still yelling "MALIKA, MALIKA!"
A hall away, Malika looked at the clock. "Geez!" she wondered. "Where is grandpa? I hope he didn't get lost..."