Sleuth Home - Message Boards - The Gumshoe Lounge

Feb-14-2007 21:37

Post with a problem or advice...

*note that this idea for a thread was shamelessly pilfered from the fertile mind of the Secret_Squirrel. (He might be short a kidney and some change too, but hey...he took a sip). As a result, and in keeping with the protocol set forth in agency case sharing half the credit is his. Half the blame too. :P

Dear Sleuthy,

I got me a problem, hoo boy. My back is itchy, right in the centre, where I can't reach it. And not just a little itchy either...it's like, epilepsy itchy. I'm convulsing like my job was volunteering for pharmaco-military lab research. I've been self-medicating with the help of this pasta fork I have downstairs, but I got people coming in for linguine tomorrow, and I need time to run it through the dishwasher at least four times.

Please advise,

Signed,

Twitching in Toronto

Mar-15-2007 08:59

Dear Sleuthy,

I have a problem. I am a cutter. I have been since I was 5 years old. That's when I got my first thing sharp enough to cut with. It's not ALL bad- what better relieves hurt and stress than slicing through a nice big juicy carrot, or cucumber, or pepper, or etc.? But my parents say I need help because I cut vegetables too small to be put in stew or soup andI cut them to small to be had as finger foods. What should I do?

Luv 'n' Stuff,
Alpha Beta Carotene

Mar-15-2007 23:01

Dear ABC,

Don't worry, it's as easy as 123! Sleuthy likes to emphazise the positives now, so bear with me.

1: It's clear your parents have never been to parenting school. The only cutting implement a 5 year old should be able to access is a pair of 'Fun with Dora the Explorer' plastic barber scissors, for adjusting the bangs: eyebrows spatial differential ratio. Remember kids...there should be a difference!

2: It's also clear your parents haven't been to cooking school. There are PLENTY of uses for tiny, angst-ridden diced vegetables! In addition to the usual suspects such as mire-a-pois and other sauce bases, the American Psychiatric Association 'Boys of the FDNY/Cookbook Pin-Up Calendar' also recommends their use in such exquisite recipes as Bulimia Broth, Obsessive-Compulsive Donuts (it's not round enough it's not round enough it's not round enough) and the ever-popular Panic Attack souffle, that, if done right, crumples into a ball ONLY when the hostess does :)

3. Finger food, Shminger food! Explore the blossoming smurf market! They might be only three apples high, but they just cleaned up on a successful copyright lawsuit against the blue man group, so they're LOADED!

And if this cutting thing ever graduates to non-vegetal things, like say limbs, please write Sleuthy again. Or, in lieu of Sleuthy, direct comments to his drooling court-appointed helper monkey, crunchpatty ~ aka that guy who thinks alpha Beta Carotene would be a pretty rockin' frat!

Signed,

Sleuthy

Mar-29-2007 09:00

Dear sleuthy,

I have a problem. I enjoy making mosacas of my own finger nail clippings! ARGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!

Clippy

May-1-2007 12:30

Clippy:

Mosaics are bettter with macaroni.


Sleuthy

Jun-8-2007 09:57

Dear Sleuthy,

I'm having trouble with my U's. I keuep adding them into inappropriate wourds. My problem all staurted about a month or so bauck when I moved into this neuw agency place, when peouple were throwing U's round with gay abandon, like monkeys wiuth turds. I staurted dropping U's from words like Favo(u)r and colo(u)r, due to peuer pressure more than anythiung else. Then I was shown that you should put U's in. But nouw I can't stop. What should I do?

Eunice U. Ulgerssun

Jun-9-2007 01:43

Dear Eunice,

It really souunds to me like you've spent far too much time frauternizing with people from the _.S.A. I suggest a political and alphabetic reclamation of youur pride. For every U you (no, not the U You that you found dead on your shanghai suspect list) drop you U muust add one to an entireluy nonsensical wourd, say an assloaud of Hail Marys and take extra fiubre so you have suufficient ammo to return fire at those peusky mounkeys.

Happy stacking, tuurdhandler :)

Yours,

Sleuthy

Nov-24-2008 12:43

Dear Sleuthy,

*southern accent i.e. West Virginia*

It seems that you are every so slighty biased towards those of us down here in the GOOD OLE USA!!!!! I do believe that if it wadn't for us, y'all woudn't have nuttin' ta laugh at. Now. I ain't gonna keel ya, I'd just as well appreciate it if'n you'd watchitt. I am purty good with a hatchet.

Yers,

Hillbilly Hailey

Mar-8-2009 12:51

Since the message boards are pretty much dead unless there is some kind of "Gate" going on, I've been reading through some old threads. This one seems worthy of a bump ;)

Mar-8-2009 15:12

gate?

Mar-8-2009 15:40

Like Watergate. You take an event and put a "Gate" on the end of it. Barry-Gate, Revival-Gate. Sorry. Sometimes I write things thinking everyone can understand what is going on in my head. :-)