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Dear Sleuthy...
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crunchpatty
crunchpatty
Old Shoe

Feb-14-2007 21:37

Post with a problem or advice...

*note that this idea for a thread was shamelessly pilfered from the fertile mind of the Secret_Squirrel. (He might be short a kidney and some change too, but hey...he took a sip). As a result, and in keeping with the protocol set forth in agency case sharing half the credit is his. Half the blame too. :P

Dear Sleuthy,

I got me a problem, hoo boy. My back is itchy, right in the centre, where I can't reach it. And not just a little itchy either...it's like, epilepsy itchy. I'm convulsing like my job was volunteering for pharmaco-military lab research. I've been self-medicating with the help of this pasta fork I have downstairs, but I got people coming in for linguine tomorrow, and I need time to run it through the dishwasher at least four times.

Please advise,

Signed,

Twitching in Toronto

Replies

Serges
Serges
Vigilante

Mar-4-2007 11:19

Dear Totallysuperhotfoosballobsessedchick,

I have been known to throw down on a game of foosball in my day. Call me.

Sincerely,
Guywholovesfoosballaboveallelse

Anikka
Anikka
Babelfish

Mar-5-2007 10:19

Dear Guywholovesfoosballaboveallelse,

Plus I've been playing foosball since I was two months old, and I'm totally hot. Call me.

Sincerely,
Totallysuperhotfoosballobsessedchick

AraLives
AraLives
Battered Shoe

Mar-5-2007 10:43

Dear Sleuthy,

Lately I've been feeling that certain people on the boards should just get a room already. I'm so tired of finding Foosball porn everywhere, and I think they're using my computer to send Foosball IM's to each other. My keyboard is getting sticky, and I'm getting sick of it. What should I do?

Signed,

Prudish in Sleuthville

biggie528
biggie528
Lucky Stiff

Mar-5-2007 11:57

Dear Prudish in Sleuthville,

I know someone who can kickstab them.

Sincerely,

Tinaball fan

lilangel
lilangel
Sleuth About Town

Mar-5-2007 18:08

Dear Sleuthy,

I'm totally lost. I have no idea what foosball is, or why it's a topic in sleuthville.
Can you help me?

Sincerely,
Clueless

Stacie222
Stacie222

Mar-5-2007 22:11

Dear Clueless,

Fooseball has ancient and noble roots. It was developed on the shores of the Antarctic during a cold and thankless winter. Because the explorers couldn't leave their igloos, they developed a game, which, at the time, invloved kicking a penguin past the stationary bodies of other, less lucky, comrades who had previously been frozen solid. The initial purpose of the game was to ward off the insanity which was sure to ensue from the igloo-enduced cabin fever. Unfortunatly, the settlers were already completely barking mad, which, ironically, was how they came to develop the sport in the first place.

One lucky explorer eventually returned to civilization, months later, bringing nothing with him but his beloved (but very battered) pet penguin, who he had lovingly named Foose, and the knowledge of this great game.

Fooseball eventually came to resemble the form in which we know it today soon after the emergence of the knifeboot variation in the late 1600s. The public putcry resulted in the eventual transmorfication of the sport into the form as we know it today, which is enjoyed and loved by drunken college students everywhere.

Sincerly,
The Girl with the news on the Foose

(Please note: no actual penguins or college students were harmed in the writing of this post)

crunchpatty
crunchpatty
Old Shoe

Mar-5-2007 22:59

Dear Sleuthy,

I have a friend (it's totally not me) who has been charged with the care of a nicotine-addicted, sailor suit-wearing man-whore, failed trapeze artist of a chimpanzee named Bobo. It seems Bobo had been pulling his weight around the fleet of rusty vaguely vanilla-scented RVs that my friend and the gang of plastic surgery "Before" shot models he calls a posse by producing reams of outsider art which sold for big bucks in the Lower East Village, Toronto's West Annex, and in dodgier Starbucks chains beside the latest iteration of "Women and Songs" CDs worldwide. Lately however, Bobo hasn't been flinging the feces at the canvas with his usual gusto, and his court-appointed psychologist has determined (through the use of Rorschach tests that, admittedly, look remarkably like Bobo's own art) that he either needs Tommy Johns' surgery to correct strained elbow ligaments, or a friend from the animal kingdom who can provide a shoulder to cry on as he waddles his bow-legged shrimp-eating ass into artistic obscurity.

Bobo's last notable work looked remarkably like a penguin. Any ideas?

Sincerely,

Hobos4Bobos.

P.S. my friend (still not me) totally thinks she might be pregnant from this guy we all just call"Trout". Is it true that a Dairy Queen Blizzard has a contraceptive effect?

Ranier Peperhaut
Ranier Peperhaut
Old Shoe

Mar-6-2007 00:10

Dear Hobos4Bobos,

While I can shed absolutely no light on your ape-gorilla-orangatang-chimpanzee-human(but not you) problem, I can certainly assure you that a Dairy Queen Blizzard most certainly always holds up as a contraceptive. However, there is only one flavour known to man that will actually do so.

Sincerely,
Using-DQ-Blizzards-as-birth-control-for-12-years-and-haven't-given-up-yet.

PS: I don't know what that flavour is, but I will let you know as soon as I find out. I might be a little slow at responding, as I am pregnant with my 13th child right now.

Sara Lou
Sara Lou

Mar-15-2007 08:59

Dear Sleuthy,

I have a problem. I am a cutter. I have been since I was 5 years old. That's when I got my first thing sharp enough to cut with. It's not ALL bad- what better relieves hurt and stress than slicing through a nice big juicy carrot, or cucumber, or pepper, or etc.? But my parents say I need help because I cut vegetables too small to be put in stew or soup andI cut them to small to be had as finger foods. What should I do?

Luv 'n' Stuff,
Alpha Beta Carotene

crunchpatty
crunchpatty
Old Shoe

Mar-15-2007 23:01

Dear ABC,

Don't worry, it's as easy as 123! Sleuthy likes to emphazise the positives now, so bear with me.

1: It's clear your parents have never been to parenting school. The only cutting implement a 5 year old should be able to access is a pair of 'Fun with Dora the Explorer' plastic barber scissors, for adjusting the bangs: eyebrows spatial differential ratio. Remember kids...there should be a difference!

2: It's also clear your parents haven't been to cooking school. There are PLENTY of uses for tiny, angst-ridden diced vegetables! In addition to the usual suspects such as mire-a-pois and other sauce bases, the American Psychiatric Association 'Boys of the FDNY/Cookbook Pin-Up Calendar' also recommends their use in such exquisite recipes as Bulimia Broth, Obsessive-Compulsive Donuts (it's not round enough it's not round enough it's not round enough) and the ever-popular Panic Attack souffle, that, if done right, crumples into a ball ONLY when the hostess does :)

3. Finger food, Shminger food! Explore the blossoming smurf market! They might be only three apples high, but they just cleaned up on a successful copyright lawsuit against the blue man group, so they're LOADED!

And if this cutting thing ever graduates to non-vegetal things, like say limbs, please write Sleuthy again. Or, in lieu of Sleuthy, direct comments to his drooling court-appointed helper monkey, crunchpatty ~ aka that guy who thinks alpha Beta Carotene would be a pretty rockin' frat!

Signed,

Sleuthy

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