Sleuth Home - Message Boards - The Gumshoe Lounge

Sep-8-2004 12:29

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Jun-4-2005 21:09

"I know deary"
"You mean you deliberately gave me the wrong time?"
"Yes Deary"
A little non-plussed Bush said "Why? Why did you lie to me?"
"Because I had to, Deary."
"What do you mean, you had too?"
"Didn't you realise Deary? Green Witch, Mean Time!"

Jun-5-2005 01:14

British people have a history of telling jokes about the Irish, usually along the lines of "There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman ..."

There is also a rather nasty collection of jokes about the Welsh, but these aren't nearly as popular as the Irish jokes.

As for jokes about blondes, they seem to be pretty much universal : o )

Jun-5-2005 01:46

lol - agreed about the universal blonde theme, Blaise.
Here in South Africa the protaganist of our jokes is usually an unfortunate Afrikaans man by the name of Van Der Merwe.

Jun-5-2005 10:57

OK, I have a rather silly blonde joke myself...
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are lost on a deserted island the blonde sees a mirage (which she thinks is a shopping mall) and starts to run toward it. A village leader sees her, and sends her and her two friends to be executed. The village people surround them, soldiers with guns aimed at the three beauties. The leader asks the brunette if she wants to say some last words. "I would like to say... tornado!" Everyone peers around for the tornado, and at that moment, the brunette runs to the sea, and swims to safety. The leader asks the redhead for her last words. "I just want to say...hurricane!" Everyone looks for the hurricane, and she runs off. The leader asks the blonde for her last words. "I just want to say... fire!" And the soldiers did, with 30 rifles aimed at her.

Jun-5-2005 11:02

Here is another stupid one...
Three girls: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are all instructed by their boyfriends to cross an 800 mile lake. The brunette makes it 200 miles, decides she can't make it and drowns. The redhead makes it 400 miles, decides she can't make it, and drowns. The blonde makes it 700 miles, decides she can't make it and swims back.

Jun-5-2005 17:23

Fancy yourself the equal of Sherlock Holmes? Consider the story Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, told on himself.

He was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris, when a taxi pulled up. He placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?", asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Arthur Conan Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand to which people who return from Marseilles always come. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart of Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase!"

Jun-5-2005 18:07

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's so funny Geddes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jun-5-2005 22:22

Funny. I liked that last one.

Jun-6-2005 00:27

Two popular jokes in Ireland at the moment ...

The I.R.A monthly magazine "We Alone" was recently awarded exclusive photographic rights to the royal wedding of Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles. All they have asked for is two clear shots.

And ...

Last month in Ireland, a criminal gang in Dublin had the audacity to break into the police headquarters and steal all of the toilets. Police have nothing to go on.

Jun-8-2005 14:05

Mental note: Don't ever tell either of those again at a party : o )