Sleuth Home - Ask Shady

Life ain't really dat difficult, is it? I mean, c'mon. How many missives am I gonna get dat are almost beggin me fer da answers?

If I ain't got at least ten letters what axe who and where I am (two wit some cheap perfume sprinkled on da stationary), den I ain't got one. And believe me, I got plenty. Now, I ain't sayin I'm a Sleuth legend or nothin, but if yez don't know who Shady is, yez don't need to know, and mebbe yez should keep it dat way.

Dose of youse what can't find me, well, yez ain't lookin hard enough, capice? If it's help youse is needing, try joinin an agency. Dere's plenty of good ones out dere, believe me. Or yez could go down to City Hall - and don't tell me yez dunno where dat is - and find da special boards day got put up so's youse can read some back issues of da "Forum Times".

I'm only sayin, 'cause danged if some of yez ain't just lookin for da easy answers and da easy ways to do stuff. Sure, all dis rising technology can be helpful, but if yer just gonna go read some agency newsletter to figure out what da answers is to da questions dem townies is axin yez, well, dat ain't learnin. What happens when da easy help ain't around? You is paddlin up da proverbial excrement filled creek in a barbed wire canoe, dat’s what!

Now, I can't tell yez how many people I got axin where to find da Order of Socrates, or da hideout of da Cosa Nostra. Lemme tell youse people somethin. Dey ain't dat hard to find, all yez gotta do is use da eyes in yer head. I'm sayin yez just gotta look, capice? Are youse guys sensing a theme, here? Youse got brains, udderwise yez wouldn'ta got no gumshoe license.

I got people axin me about gettin a picture put up where udder sleuths can see it. Dis ain't a secret, people. It's printed up in da "Forum Times", if yez just go read it. No, not da "City News". Yer a detective, figger it out!

All I'm sayin, and I think I'm sayin it a lot, is dat dere ain't no easy way. Dis is Sleuthville. Youse is gumshoes. Sometimes yez just gotta do things da hard way and takes yer licks, yez know what I'm sayin? Sometimes life is a grind, just puttin killers behind bars day in and day out. But it's da job you chose, and now yez want shortcuts. Well, in da world of Shady, if yez doesn't do yer own work, yez don't get Shady's respect, see? And sometimes yer gonna fail. Dat's why dere's a Shady, because life ain't easy.

But if yez can't figure out da basics, Shady ain't got nuthin to say. But I knows who does - da most beautiful gumshoe in Sleuthville, Sunny. Granted, dis was one of da old envelopes on da bottom of da pile, but it holds true even today, "Why do so many Sleuthers feel they are entitled to complain about every little thing?"

Ya know what? Shady ain't got no answer for dat question. All I can say, Big Mama, is, "Amen."

Postscript to Aknas - (a) it ain't nuthin personal, and (b) it ain't my fault. Blame da little runt what's supposed to be makin' yer name yellow and puttin' underlines and suchlike. Shady don't stick his nose in dat kinda bizness.