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Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home


Lady Emerald Devon
Lady Emerald Devon

Sep-22-2005 10:11

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on
his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, ''Cool it. I am going to set
up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.''
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent
e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did
some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten
minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky,
thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming ''It's gone!
It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!''
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. ''Wait! He cheated, how did
he do it?''
God shrugged and said, ''Jesus saves.''

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Sep-22-2005 11:29

hehehe thats a good one Lady!


Sep-22-2005 20:11

Hee hee hee! I laughed out loud at that one!


Sep-22-2005 20:27

Great joke Lady Emerald, as I read it out loud to my hubby, we both had a good laugh.


Sep-22-2005 20:52

Still Another Runner Up:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

This was so funny. I just hope texan doesn't decide to miss my funeral because he has to watch a football game. If he does, I'll come back to haunt


Sep-22-2005 20:58

And Still Another Runner Up:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”


Sep-22-2005 21:25

A 94-year-old man and an 88-year-old woman were engaged to be married. They went to their neighborhood pharmacy and asked if they carried:

Heartburn medication? Yes, said the pharmacist
Viagra? Yes
Blood pressure medicine?Yes
Cholesterol medication? Yes
Arthritis medication? Yes
Vitamins/minerals? Yes
Pain medication? Yes
Wheel Chairs? Yes
Bed Pans? Yes
Fix-a-dent? Yes
Laxatives? Yes
Hearing Aids? Yes
Walkers? Yes

"Well then," said the couple, "We'll ask our guests to register here for our wedding gifts!"



Sep-24-2005 22:33

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Come on ya'll & share some humor..pretty please!*(*_*)


Sep-26-2005 20:05

Most churches have bulletins to keep the people updated, but sometimes the original meaning can sound like it means something else.

* Please remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The beautiful flowers on the altar this morning are to celebrate the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* If any of the congregation have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs.
* Everyone is welcome this Tuesday at 4 PM for an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* At the Ladies Liturgy Society this Thursday, Mrs Smith will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
* This Friday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
* This week we invite any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
* This Monday we will be holding a 'Bean Supper' in the church hall. Music will follow.
* The topic for our sermon next week will be "What is Hell?". Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* This evening there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* The 2003 Church Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
* Weight Watchers' will meet at 7 PM in the church hall. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* There will be a special collection today to pay for eight new choir robes. These are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* Pray for those in the hospital that they'll hurry up and go home soon.

Lady Emerald Devon
Lady Emerald Devon

Sep-26-2005 21:36

So anyway, the usual suspects, Dodo (aka Dionne Dawson), Nik (aka jstkdn), Fifi (aka The Polar Bear), JR (aka RiverD), cfm, Sweet P (aka P.Rockwell), Evil Scientist (aka Gradbeth), Blue (aka Blueberry Hill), Daru (aka Texan when she posts inders Hubby's name ;) )and L.E.D (aka Superstar)were sitting at Tricky's.

Suddenly a man walked into the bar.


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