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DJ_Nuclear
DJ_Nuclear

Jul-25-2005 18:35

ok, so i was bored one night and couldnt get any sleep until i wrote down this short story. i thought it was decent so here i am. if u want u could rate it or put another of ur own short story.

and btw, im srry but im not good at writing so it may seem crappy. as long as u get the idea, thats all that matters.

ring. ring. ring. "Hello?"
"bring the money to the local park."

Father: um... he said bring the money to the park"

Cheif: great, everone, set up a perimiter around the park. snipers stay out of sight. dont worry sir, your daughter will be returned to u allright.

Father: thanks, thats very good to hear

*ten minutes later at the park*

Kidnapper: i see u brought the money, bring it here and you can have your daughter back.

*one of the snipers accidentally drops sumthing off the top of a nearby building. the father notices it as its falling and starts running. the kidnapper hears sumthing as it hits the ground*

kidnapper: crap, you set me up, now ur gonna pay.

*there is gunfire everywhere. when the smoke clears, the daughter is leaning over her fallen father*

Daughter while crying: daddy! why? why did u get in the way?

Father: dont worry, (cough) im just glad i finally did sumthing right

daughter:dont talk like that!your gonna be ok. you have to b okay.

Father: I'm so sorry, i wish... i wish i could have helped you.

Nurse: doctor! hes dead!

Doctor:damnit!why did he take off the suit!

Nurse: you mean he pruposely exposed himself to the virus?

Doctor: yea, atleast he died happy though. it seems that the virus makes you hallucinate about everything the person has ever wanted.

Replies

Autumnsprings
Autumnsprings
Con Artist

Jul-25-2005 19:22

well, that was a twist ending! I liked it! Makes me wonder about what happened before the story began and what happens after.

DJ_Nuclear
DJ_Nuclear

Jul-26-2005 02:08

thanks. it was longer, but i decided to let the readers fill in the gap where they want to.

i also have another version of that, the only thing is that its longer. i wanted as many people to read as possible so i chose the shorter one and cut up the dialogue.

mrs.zane
mrs.zane
Well-Connected

Jul-26-2005 05:24

well done

DJ_Nuclear
DJ_Nuclear

Jul-26-2005 10:58

thanks. u know u can post ur own short stories too, poetry to, whatever, i just like reading. i usually hate writing but thanks for the support. (that was probably the only short story i wrote out of choice) : )

also, i dont mind any bad critque. if anything it should help out to make it or future stories better.

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-26-2005 12:31

Very nice DJ! I just LOVE reading ...its one of my favorite things to do :o) (besides play Sleuth) hehe

tummey
tummey

Jul-26-2005 16:31

It was a dark rainy day in a unknown street in New York.A dark figure in the shadows broke into a house which was rumor to be a safehouse for the La Cosa Nostra by the order of the Arcanum brotherhood.A As he broke in the man notice a white van speed off into the night.
Dam he thought it a trap he jump out of the window as gunfire broke the vase he was stealing.
"Dam he got away fox2",growled a voice as he watch the would be burglar run away for he life,"Now what?"
"O don't worry he going to get a nasty shook when he get home fox1",the voice laugh evily.
Main while a few buildings down the unlucky burglar name tummey hop into a cab and got home only to see what he feared.He wife and childerns lay kill by tommys machines guns.A note lay by in their blood beware we coming for you.It be the last time to break into one of ours safehouses.
Then he hear footsteps and a voice,"Boss I think he home now"
"Shut up your fool he hear you",another voice warned.Tummey knew he had to get away so with a finally last look at the bodies.He ran away into the night once again.Swearing to heself he will become a Pivate eye and find out who those voices were.As he fear he life to try and kill them.He became of the fews to cross the line back from evil to good.Still a enemy of Cosa Nostra and a friend of the Arcanum brotherhood the crooked P.E is sloving other cases to pay the bills well looking for those to destroy who he was on that faithful night.
He motto?:Did you do it?

It my detecive biography.Hope you like it I just wrote it becuase I thought that the Did you do it need something a bit more.Wouldn't ya think?

Madame Giry
Madame Giry

Jul-26-2005 18:35

That was friggin' awesome!

DJ_Nuclear
DJ_Nuclear

Jul-27-2005 02:06

hey, that was pretty good. of course some of the grammer made my head hurt but i shouldnt be complaining since i make alot of mistakes. that and im a c+ average student usually in english.

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-27-2005 09:46

I was a straight A student in English,and notice bad grammar instantly , but I don't point out anyones mistakes,unless the story is going to actually count. This is just for fun so I find it not a big deal and pointless to make comments on it.

Tummey you did a nice job on the story, and if you have more to share,please do! :)

tummey
tummey

Jul-27-2005 15:11

I suck 100% at grammar.:P

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