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Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home

Oct-13-2005 13:44

Hehe, Dark Raven! OK, I've heard these sooo many times, so I'd thought I'd share them with you:

MALIKA
*~*~*~*
Malika was a girl from southern India who was attending Grade 8 in elementary school. None of her parents or grandparents spoke any English, however. That's when the trouble started....
Malika was supposed to go to the dentist at 2:10, but her grandpa was late. At about 2:25, her grandpa pulled into the school's parking lot. He didn't read any English, so he ignored the signs that said "ALL VISITORS PLEASE REPORT TO THE OFFICE TO OBTAIN A VISITOR'S TAG!" He went to the top floor, and went to the wrong classroom (a Grade 4 class). He started screaming in a thickly accented voice, "MALIKA, MALIKA!" He waved his hands to the teacher, and the teacher and students just looked at him, startled. "MALIKA, MALIKA!" He screamed. The teacher picked up the phone and dialed the office number. "Miss Lexington, there's a crazy Indian man shouting in some foreign language at us!" he said in a slightly panicky voice. Soon, the secretary and the vice-principal pulled the man out of the school. He was still yelling "MALIKA, MALIKA!"
A hall away, Malika looked at the clock. "Geez!" she wondered. "Where is grandpa? I hope he didn't get lost..."

Oct-13-2005 13:58

A group from the insane asylum took a day trip to a sporting event. The leader established a few quick commands to help them perform responsibly.

As the national anthem was played, he yelled "stand nuts" and all stood appropriately. When it finished, he yelled "down nuts" and all sat. When something exciting happened, he yelled "cheer nuts" and all cheered merrily.

All went wonderfully until a vendor walked by and yelled "Peanuts!".

Oct-21-2005 15:58

Speed Limit

An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.

A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.

Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.'

The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.'

'But the sign says 22.'

The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.

As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.

All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?'

'Well, we just came off Interstate 134.'

Oct-21-2005 16:02

That was hilarious Last Train. I had to go tell texan about it & he laughed:)

Oct-22-2005 00:30

Dark Raven, & Colonel Shanty, I loved your stories. I read them aloud to my honey. Poor guy couldn't remember how to get back home to be with his gorgeous wife...hehe. The story about the Indian man must have been true, you think Colonel? I know that would scare the teacher & students half to death..hehe. Keep em comin'(*__*)

Oct-22-2005 12:27

Not a joke, but amusing none the less:

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity = Is No Amity

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

Semolina = Is No Meal

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

This one is *truly* amazing:

"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

ANAGRAM:

"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."


And for a contemporary one:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
(Neil Armstrong, on the moon)

ANAGRAM:

"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!"


Hmmm, someone somewhere has way too much time on their hands methinks.

Oct-22-2005 15:19

Enjoyed it Stanz..thank you dear!

Oct-22-2005 15:50

*wonders who was being Stanz when that was posted*

Oct-22-2005 18:17

Eeek! That was me posting as Stanz... forgot who I was at the time, sorry!

Oct-22-2005 19:56

Wonderful! OK, here's a couple of jokes that could keep you laughing all day long!

POTTY-TRAINING THE CAT
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Brock was desperate to get his cat, Gregory, to stop making messes in the kitchen (where his litter box was). He decided that Greg would be potty-trained. No questions. So he coaxed the litter box out of the kitchen, and slowly into the hall. The cat still did its duty in the kitchen. It took two whole months for the cat to get to the bathroom. Slowly, but surely, the cat got to the toilet. One night, Brock and Giselle (his girlfriend) were watching a movie on TV when a piercing shriek shook the house. It sounded like a cat being flushed down the toilet! Poor Greg had gotten the habit of flushing his business down when he was finished. He had fallen in the toilet, and got out drenched like a sewer rat. The moral of the story? Don't potty-train your pets. Period.

A FEW CRANK CALL IDEAS
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Hello? Is your refrigerator running? Well you better go catch it!"

"May I take your time to do a survey? **wait a few minutes** OK, I'm finished. Thank you for your time."

"Is this _______________'s house? Ooops! I'm sorry! Wrong phone number..."