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DaRu
DaRu
Well-Connected

Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home



Replies

Madame Giry
Madame Giry

Aug-1-2005 16:31

Sick, oh so wrong, but yet so funny.

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Aug-2-2005 09:47

Ultimate Female Joke

It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are
female jokes. And there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a
true
female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and
men
will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking the woman could not take her
eyes off him.
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her
apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,
"I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how
kinky, for $20.00...on one condition." (There are always conditions).
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
(controlling, huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a
$20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along
with
her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and
meaningfully
said... "Clean my house."



Madame Giry
Madame Giry

Aug-2-2005 10:03

Are we really such desperate housewives?

Madame Giry
Madame Giry

Aug-2-2005 10:58

Oh, here's a blonde joke:
The Blonde Cook
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."



Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Aug-2-2005 11:37

It wasnt that she was a desperate housewife...the man was acting like he was Gods gift, and she fooled him by saying that,when he was expecting something else ;) Too funny!

Anyways...here is one...

Gender
> >1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but
you
> >can see right through them
> > >
> > >2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a
while
> >to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right
> >buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
> >
> > >3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
> > >
> > >4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
> >to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
> >
> > >5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain
water.
> > >
> > >6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
> >
> > >7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people
up.
> > >
> > >8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
> >bottom.
> >
> > >9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000
> >years, but it's handy to have around.
> > >
> > >10) Remote Control -- Female..... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
> >consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
> >while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.


DaRu
DaRu
Well-Connected

Aug-10-2005 14:39


Cold Winter

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."




DaRu
DaRu
Well-Connected

Aug-10-2005 14:50

Hard Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."



Mr Moggy
Mr Moggy

Aug-15-2005 14:53

3 men are on a plane on christmas eve. the plane is out of control and the pilot asks them to throw something out the plane so that they can land safetly. they chuck out a action man, a barbie doll and a bomb. they land safetly on christmas day. as there walking along the runway they see at 2 kids cheering to the sky. the 3 men says to the kids "what are you sohappy about" the kids says "santa dropped a barbie doll and a action man to us from the sky" as there about to get a taxi for the way home they see a kid really wetting himself (laughing). so the 3 men say to the kid "what you laughing at" the kid says " i just farted and that house blew up" (crap joke eh)

Geddes
Geddes
Nomad

Aug-16-2005 16:53

This is one for the girls. Not sure it fits the thread but gave me such a laugh I had to share. Enjoy!


Back in the 1950s the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned,
trussed and reinforced, and not so much sewn as engineered. They were
built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away
looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she
can wander around every run of the mill department store trying to make
a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of florescent
rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and
entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first
thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch
material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, so I believe,
by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot. Which gives the added
bonus that should you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are
protected from shark attacks, as any shark taking a swipe at your
passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place, I gasped in horror......my bosom had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib....



Geddes
Geddes
Nomad

Aug-16-2005 16:55

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed
bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a
full view assessment. The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately
it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me
oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump
of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there
you are!" , she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't
so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking
tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized
napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills and
came out looking like Tarzan's Jane.. pregnant with triplets and having a
rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in
mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would
have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit . . ... a two-piece affair with a
shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured. When I got home, I found a label
which read --


"Material may become transparent when wet."


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