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DaRu
DaRu
Well-Connected

Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home



Replies

DaRu
DaRu
Well-Connected

Jul-8-2005 14:59



After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from though out the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?"


Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-9-2005 13:24

<> I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either.
" Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!" "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-14-2005 11:52

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-14-2005 12:00

What Your Name Means
Instructions :Find out what each letter of your name means.Now connect all the meanings to describe YOU. Try it!PS : If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.
For Example : SARA
S You are very broad-minded.
A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
R You are a social butterfly. A= You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B= You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C= You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
D= You have trouble trusting people.
E =You are a very exciting person.
F= Everyone loves you.
G= You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H=You are not judgmental.
I =You are always smiling and making others smile.
J =Jealously
K =You like to try new things.
L= Love is something you deeply believe in.
M= Success comes easily to you.
N= You like to work, but you always want a break.
O= You are very open-minded.
P =You are very friendly and understanding.
Q = You are a hypocrite.
R=You are a social butterfly.
S= You are very broad-minded.
T= You have an attitude, a big one.
U= You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V= You have a very good physique and looks.
W= You like your privacy.
X= You never let people tell you what to do.
Y= You cause a lot of trouble.
Z= You're always fighting with someone.

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-14-2005 12:06

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'puting,
And I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my butt
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night. <<Sigh>>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...

While I sit here on my hiney.

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-14-2005 12:09

Womens Revenge

WOMEN'S REVENGE
Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping
with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.




MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it? The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop
right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like
this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion ha

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-14-2005 12:12

had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says.. "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized
that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for
an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break
the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it.



Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-14-2005 12:12

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was
9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece.

jstkdn
jstkdn
Well-Connected

Jul-14-2005 15:37

OHMYGOD, the tampon one cracked me up!!!!

Makensie Brewer
Makensie Brewer
Super Steeper

Jul-15-2005 10:53

hahaha me too!

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