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Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home

Jul-6-2005 16:17

How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR
Take the doctor's office approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

Clean your arm with alcohol..
Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.


So.......


I walk to the liquor store. (exercise )
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)

The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!!!!

My grandmother always said, "A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"

Jul-6-2005 16:18

oops i was going to change a** and forgot..hope I didnt offend anyone!

Jul-6-2005 16:24

AN ACTUAL BILLBOARD

Can't Write? Can't Read?

Then you need to come to the Michigan Center for the Illiterate.

Call Now! (Phone Number)

Email us at (Email)

Jul-6-2005 16:39

I loved them Makensie and jojo, and MB, no offense taken. Besides, it's in the bible, and Balaam even spoke to one..hehe. Besides you're not the first one to have a slip up. Marylou, I'm a blonde too, and always hearing dumb blonde jokes. Seems most feels blondes are air heads...hum???? I liked what you shared and hadn't heard it before. Learn something new everyday, right?

Jul-6-2005 16:58

This isn't a joke, or anything I found online to share, but it's about humerious things my oldest furry son Woodrow,(Yorkshire Terrier),did a few years ago on one of our fishing trips.

We use to go fishing at this lake on a wooden pier, where there were a lot of snakes, gar as well as alligators. We would fish for hours & for hours Woody would stand looking down into the water for fish. When we'd catch a small perch we'd toss it to him on the deck at which time he'd swat and paw at it, then take it in his mouth and gently bite on it. Then he'd spit it out at which time he'd have scales all in his mouth & all over his face. I'd clean him up, then toss the perch back, then he'd go back to the edge of the pier and star into the water as he awaited patiently for the next fish. Over & over for hours he'd do this, but never harmed or killed one little perch. One evening we had caught a stringer full of different types of fish, and one of the managers of the marina came by to see if we were catching anything at which time we told him we had caught several. He then asked if he could see them, so my spouse/texan, pulled the stringer up and showed the man. After this texan threw the stringer back into the water, and all the while Woodrow had never taken his eyes off the fish, and he jumped off the pier into the deep waters going after his fish. Realizing he was in trouble he started paddling with all his might, and his eyes were big as saucers and filled with terror. We were scared senseless and I was shaking like a leaf, because of all the snakes and gar beneath the pier, and I just knew one would consider him supper and that would be the end of our little boy. I quickly thought and grabbed our long-handled dip net and finally scooped up out of the water and saved his life. We couldn't love on him enough or get enough of his sweet little kisses in appreciation. The man that came up was trying to keep us calm and said, not to worry that he would paddle to safety, however,

Jul-6-2005 17:43

we weren't about to chance him doing this, because it was so far to shore, and there were so many snakes, gar and creatures in the water that would love to make a meal out of him. If I couldn't have scooped him out, we would have dove in, snakes and all, to save his life, and thankfully I got him out quickly. Here's another true funny story I'd like to share.....One of our homes was right on the golf course at the 9th green. Our neighborhood had a private tennis court to use, which was right in our back yard, where we often played tennis and took Woodrow. The first time we played, I took a blanket for Woodrow and us to sit on when we got tired, as well as a toy or two and water and food. During our first game, when we knocked our first tennis ball out of bounds, Woodrow took off like a blue streak after it and picked it up in his tiny little mouth and ran back to his blanket and dropped it. Then we noticed he'd stand guard waiting for another ball to go out of bounds then he'd take off and bring it back over and over again, dropping the balls into his little pile. What was so amazing Woodrow would do this for hours or as long as we played. Another thing he started doing is when other players knocked their balls out of bound, he'd do the same thing but instead of taking them to the owner, he'd take it to his pile. Thankfully, the players thought he was so cute and laughed about it, instead of getting upset. I figured someday someone would tell us to leave him at home, but it was so cute. These are precious memories we'll never forget until the day we die.

Jul-6-2005 18:12

Correction/spelling>>> humorous. (I made other mistakes but not enough to worry about).Wish there was a way to spell check it. Guess I should cut and paste from my notepad, and I'll probably hear from you jstkdn, about this..hehe.

Jul-6-2005 19:13

MB, don't worry about the word.

This is for 13+. Remember that when posting.


No one should take offense.

Jul-6-2005 19:48

I found several blonde jokes that I thought everyone would love and since we‘re on the subject I found several I thought were funny.

A plane is on it’s way to Detroit when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to first class into an open seat in the first class section. The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class since that’s the type of ticket she paid for. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Detroit in style and I‘m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m on my way to Detroit in style, and I’m staying right here.” So the co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. Then the pilot says, “You say the woman is blonde?” I can handle this. I’m married to a blonde and I speak blonde.” The pilot goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry.” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and the co-pilot are amazed and ask the pilot what he said to get her to move back to economy without a scene or fuss and he replies, “I told her first class wasn’t going to Detroit.”
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Well, I'm right proud of myself tonight. For the first time I tried out the cut and paste and it worked. This joke I typed using Microsoft Word Task and then copied it and pasted it here. Wow, thanks Sunny for telling me about it over a year ago,and thank you jstkdn for showing me how. Yippie!

Jul-6-2005 19:50

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."