Sleuth Home - Message Boards - The Gumshoe Lounge

Jul-2-2005 11:10

"A polite way in saying someone is dumb."

1) A few clown short of a circus.
2) A few fries short of a happy meal.
3) A few beers short of a six-pack.
4) Doesn't have all cornflakes in one box.
5) The wheels are spinning, but he hampster's dead.
6) One Froot Loop short of a full bowl.
7) One taco short of a combo plate.
8) A few feathers short of a whole duck.
9) All foam and no beer.
10) Body by Fisher Price and brains by Mattel.
11) Couldn't put water out of a boot even with the instructions on the heel.
12) Chimmey's clogged.
13) Doesn't have all his dogs on a leash.
14) Elevator doesn't go all the way up to the top floor.
15) Her sewing machine is out of thread.
16) His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
17) Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
18) Reciever is off the hook.
19) Too much yardage between the goal posts
20) Skylight leaks alittle.
21) The light is on but nobody is home

Jul-3-2005 15:57

OUTSIDE A PHOTOGRAPHERS STUDIO: "Out to Lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

OUTSIDE A SECONDHAND SHOP: "We exchange anything-bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?"

ON A CHURCH DOOR: "This is the gate to Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. Notice: This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please enter through the side door."

IN AN OFFICE: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board."

SIGN IN A LODON STORE: "Bargain basement upstairs"

SIGN IN LAUNDROMAT: "Automatic washing machines. Please removed all your clothes when the light goes out."

Jul-3-2005 16:21

LETTERS TO WELFARE:
Date: 17 June 1997
Subject: welfare apps

For those unfamiliar, Welfare payment are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a certain level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters by the Welfar Department application for support of receiving payments.
_________________________________________________

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I have seven but one died which was baptized on a sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty sson, I will be foreced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed liitle boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works nights and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Jul-3-2005 16:28

CORRECTIONS:

Unnless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

When I came across this I cracked up laughing until tears ran down my cheeks. In fact, I got a miagrain from laughing so hard. I couldn't wait to share them with everyone. What's funny about it they are true....LOL!!

Jul-3-2005 17:49

DaRu.....did you copy and paste that?
Please don't tell me I suck as a teacher. :)

Jul-3-2005 20:43

Oh shoot I'm caught....hehe! As bad as I'd like to say I did, of course you know I didn't! It figures I'd make mistakes and be found out..hehe. I proof read back through to make sure, but missed a few. I thought about trying trying out what you taught me, but there were several I didn't like and didn't think appropriate so I wrote them out longhand and transcribed my notes...shulks! Anyway, maybe next time I will make you proud and earn an A+ hehe......byeeeeeeee!

Jul-4-2005 08:08

They through a stupid convention and everyone came.

Jul-4-2005 08:13

One slice short of a loaf...

smart as a box of rocks...

Jul-4-2005 20:03

Good ones Zane/Sis and Orbitrux. hehe

Jul-4-2005 20:03

Good ones Zane/Sis and Orbitrux. hehe

Jul-6-2005 10:43

A few dolly mixtures short of a quarter. Dolly mixtures being a type of sweet and we used to buy them in quarter pounds until metric became law.

And "I'm having a blonde day" if you make lots of mistakes. (I am blonde myself and do use this excuse. Even more scary it works on male managers!?!)