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Rate my intro
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Monkey_Girl
Monkey_Girl

May-2-2005 15:49

Basically, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best), what would you rate my intro?
Ahhh...he was my friend, and maybe I've known him too long to finally feel a tingle up my spine every time my lips whispered hisname. Me, as a professional detective and turning serious and business-like whenever there's a murder to be solved DOES NOT and I repeat-DOES NOT fall in love easily and get googly-eyed...but this time, it's real. I can feel it in every bone in my body and I daydreamed about him the way I used to daydream about...Never mind.

First I pictured his straight hair and those brown eyes glistening in a smile. Then I imagined his right hand reaching out to hold mine...Before I could drift off to La-la Land, I realized that I was messily decorating the cover of my detective notebook with his name, Thaddeus Ringold.

Over the last aching days of my life, I have never felt so lonely. I needed someone and I needed to make some friends and not stay in this cramped, dusty place called a Detective Agency as known as home.

Suddenly, a figure burst in my door and as soon as I saw his face, my mood brightened. "Hi," I said shyly and realized that that was the lamest thing I could've said. However, he didn't seem to care
as a rush of words left his perfectly-shaped lips.

"My Best Friend has been murdered! I couldn't trust the police, so I came to you. I know you're the best around," he smiled. My heart was beating a thousand times a minute as the person I loved showered me with compliments. It pounded so hard in my chest that I was afraid that he'd hear it. "Uh..Umm..Wow..I'd love to help!" I stammered, wondering if I had sounded as excited as I felt. I promised to myself I wouldn't mess this up.

Replies

V Buster
V Buster
Old Shoe

May-18-2005 07:55

Here is an excellent example of why gender specific intro's shouldn't be used.

This is an extract from an intro on a case today.


""You're her Mother, aren't you?" I said, "maybe we could help each other ou

He gave me the names of some people of interest. Then, he made it very clear which way his suspicions pointed."

Colonel Shanty
Colonel Shanty

May-25-2005 16:34

I give it a 7. Not bad. Sure beats the boring ones I always skip. At least I can read this without falling asleep. The other ones have no excitment ;)

cfm
cfm
Nomad

May-25-2005 16:38

V Buster, that can be fixed if it is written up with the correct codes. It looks like it was simply over looked. :)

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