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May-2-2005 15:49

Basically, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best), what would you rate my intro?
Ahhh...he was my friend, and maybe I've known him too long to finally feel a tingle up my spine every time my lips whispered hisname. Me, as a professional detective and turning serious and business-like whenever there's a murder to be solved DOES NOT and I repeat-DOES NOT fall in love easily and get googly-eyed...but this time, it's real. I can feel it in every bone in my body and I daydreamed about him the way I used to daydream about...Never mind.

First I pictured his straight hair and those brown eyes glistening in a smile. Then I imagined his right hand reaching out to hold mine...Before I could drift off to La-la Land, I realized that I was messily decorating the cover of my detective notebook with his name, Thaddeus Ringold.

Over the last aching days of my life, I have never felt so lonely. I needed someone and I needed to make some friends and not stay in this cramped, dusty place called a Detective Agency as known as home.

Suddenly, a figure burst in my door and as soon as I saw his face, my mood brightened. "Hi," I said shyly and realized that that was the lamest thing I could've said. However, he didn't seem to care
as a rush of words left his perfectly-shaped lips.

"My Best Friend has been murdered! I couldn't trust the police, so I came to you. I know you're the best around," he smiled. My heart was beating a thousand times a minute as the person I loved showered me with compliments. It pounded so hard in my chest that I was afraid that he'd hear it. "Uh..Umm..Wow..I'd love to help!" I stammered, wondering if I had sounded as excited as I felt. I promised to myself I wouldn't mess this up.

May-5-2005 15:41

Well, I'd bet it was more widespread than you'd think. People just were more clandestine about it.

And I don't really find a problem with same sex lovers, it's just that I doubt a male detective would dreamily write someone's name on a notebook, gay or straight. Then again, I would guess most female detectives wouldn't either, but that's my opinion.

May-6-2005 03:16

Yes, I know homosexual exists since the Greek empire. It was suppressed by Christianity after that. And if I recall correctly, the History Channel says it was still a taboo in the 30s. That's why I feel a little bit strange to encounter such relationship in every day of my work.

Your last paragraph is very true, however. Detectives aren't daydreaming all they long, unless they've no job. So, a romantic, and good, story, but may not fit well for the "professional detective" angle.

May-6-2005 16:07

yeah a guess u're rite...

May-6-2005 16:29

Great starting point. The issues I had with it have been mentioned. It just needs a little tweaking to make it fit better in the game. Keep writing!! :)

May-7-2005 09:50

Yes, a little tweakin and it should be fine. Keep writing! I look forward to seeing your introduction actually put to use in the game.

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May-18-2005 07:55

Here is an excellent example of why gender specific intro's shouldn't be used.

This is an extract from an intro on a case today.


""You're her Mother, aren't you?" I said, "maybe we could help each other ou

He gave me the names of some people of interest. Then, he made it very clear which way his suspicions pointed."

May-25-2005 16:34

I give it a 7. Not bad. Sure beats the boring ones I always skip. At least I can read this without falling asleep. The other ones have no excitment ;)

May-25-2005 16:38

V Buster, that can be fixed if it is written up with the correct codes. It looks like it was simply over looked. :)