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May-2-2005 15:49

Basically, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best), what would you rate my intro?
Ahhh...he was my friend, and maybe I've known him too long to finally feel a tingle up my spine every time my lips whispered hisname. Me, as a professional detective and turning serious and business-like whenever there's a murder to be solved DOES NOT and I repeat-DOES NOT fall in love easily and get googly-eyed...but this time, it's real. I can feel it in every bone in my body and I daydreamed about him the way I used to daydream about...Never mind.

First I pictured his straight hair and those brown eyes glistening in a smile. Then I imagined his right hand reaching out to hold mine...Before I could drift off to La-la Land, I realized that I was messily decorating the cover of my detective notebook with his name, Thaddeus Ringold.

Over the last aching days of my life, I have never felt so lonely. I needed someone and I needed to make some friends and not stay in this cramped, dusty place called a Detective Agency as known as home.

Suddenly, a figure burst in my door and as soon as I saw his face, my mood brightened. "Hi," I said shyly and realized that that was the lamest thing I could've said. However, he didn't seem to care
as a rush of words left his perfectly-shaped lips.

"My Best Friend has been murdered! I couldn't trust the police, so I came to you. I know you're the best around," he smiled. My heart was beating a thousand times a minute as the person I loved showered me with compliments. It pounded so hard in my chest that I was afraid that he'd hear it. "Uh..Umm..Wow..I'd love to help!" I stammered, wondering if I had sounded as excited as I felt. I promised to myself I wouldn't mess this up.

May-2-2005 16:30

I give it a 5. Not a bad story, not a great story. But remember, there are male detectives, too, and as of now, there's no way to make a case only for female characters. Not to mention that love doesn't really fit in with murder too well :P

You're a great writer, but the "love" aspect of this story gets in the way. Try one without the crush angle, and it'd probably be a lot better.

May-2-2005 17:39

I give it a 8. Looks good. The love angle is a good fresh new look for the game. Over all a good story so far. Not great though.

May-3-2005 04:36

The story is well written. However, as ral 315 said, it doesn't fit well with male detectives. Although the gender of the client is random, there is no way to fix it to match the storyline.

There was such an intro story written before, which the client is the player's lost love. It set the moods well for me when the client gender was female. Later, I got that intro again, but the client was male. Sickening ensues.

May-5-2005 08:49

I agree with Sir Kittihaj. It is written well it would just be kind of difficult to change it around. However...just wanted to point something out...have ya noticed in the game that the victims have both same sex and opposite sex lovers?

May-5-2005 09:44

Yes! I find such kind of relationship at least once per day. Be it a male having a male lover, or a male killing a female because he love her spouse. Ugh.

It seems there's too much same sex lover in the city, especially when you consider it was in the 1930s. I don't think gay relationship was in abundance (or at least tolerated) at the time.

May-5-2005 15:41

Well, I'd bet it was more widespread than you'd think. People just were more clandestine about it.

And I don't really find a problem with same sex lovers, it's just that I doubt a male detective would dreamily write someone's name on a notebook, gay or straight. Then again, I would guess most female detectives wouldn't either, but that's my opinion.

May-6-2005 03:16

Yes, I know homosexual exists since the Greek empire. It was suppressed by Christianity after that. And if I recall correctly, the History Channel says it was still a taboo in the 30s. That's why I feel a little bit strange to encounter such relationship in every day of my work.

Your last paragraph is very true, however. Detectives aren't daydreaming all they long, unless they've no job. So, a romantic, and good, story, but may not fit well for the "professional detective" angle.

May-6-2005 16:07

yeah a guess u're rite...

May-6-2005 16:29

Great starting point. The issues I had with it have been mentioned. It just needs a little tweaking to make it fit better in the game. Keep writing!! :)

May-7-2005 09:50

Yes, a little tweakin and it should be fine. Keep writing! I look forward to seeing your introduction actually put to use in the game.