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Contest: The Plight of Joey "Bulldog" Bane
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nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 09:58

In the spirit of giving to our community in these tough times, I have decided to start my own contest as well.

I will give a free gift 3 month sub (you heard it... 3 months) to the sleuth who comes up with the most creative explanation/story as to why Joey "Bulldog" Bane cannot manage to get himself removed as a contestant from the Contest Formerly Known as "Revive the Stage". This should be a fictional story/explanation, and I will not tolerate any attack against any past, present, or future Sleuth member.

Anyone can post their story. If you do not wish to be included in the contest, you can still post. You will not be forced to be considered for the prize. And if you wish to enter, but don't need a gift sub, maybe we can come up with an alternative prize for you.

I will be the sole judge, so come on... amuse me. This is really a selfish request because I find his predicament quite hysterical and I want to see what all you creative sleuths out there can come up with.

Contest will run for one week. I will announce the winner on Monday, March 9.



Replies

nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:47

The story of Joey’s first words is an interesting one. At the age of five, his parents ecstatically decided that it was time for Joey, or “Bulldog”, to set off to school. They sent him away to a prominent prep school in New York, where he was required to stay over and only return home for holidays and school breaks. Now one may think it would be awkward for Joey to go off to a strange place lacking the ability to speak. But it seemed that the “seen, but not heard” trait followed him while out of his home as well. It was as if Joey were invisible to the teachers and other students at his school. Joey had no issue understanding others when they spoke, he simply could not speak himself. And while he was a good student, doing well on his lessons, he carried an aura by which no one around him noticed that they had never heard him utter a word.

This all changed one day halfway through the first semester. He had over-indulged a bit on some soda at recess and had a bathroom emergency during music class. Since a verbal request must be made to the teacher at such times, Joey was in a bit of a pickle. He knew he was going to have to speak, and he knew the word “bathroom”, he just was not sure if he could say it. He started to shiver… then started shivering slowly...shivering harder...shivering really hard...shivering really really hard...shivering incredibly hard...finally raised his hand and shouted as loud as he could “BATHROOM!” The whole class turned and looked at him, including the teacher. They looked at him like he was a nut case - a raging lunatic.



nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:47

“I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand,” the teacher said to him looking a little fearful. Continuing to shiver and beginning to sweat, Joey tried a few more times to utter the word “Bathroom”. But no one seemed to know what he was talking about. After several valiant, but failed, attempts at communicating his need of a toilet, Joey relieved himself in his pants, with a stunned group of 5 year olds and 1 teacher witnessing the entire debacle.

After being shuffled around from school to school and enrolled in special needs programs for the next few months, Joey began to understand the importance of communication, and working on his skills in this area became his primary focus in life. While Joey learned to speak and significantly improved his oral skills, he could only seem to convey simple ideas and needs. He could converse well enough to get on in simple day to day life " order a sandwich, ask where the bus stop was - but he completely lacked the ability to share anything complex. He found that he often had to repeat himself many times, sometimes yell, to get his point across, always which was followed by a reaction of disgust.

“Seen, but not heard.” Joey just could not manage to shake it. It followed him through his teen years and into adulthood. In many cases, his curse decided his fate. Joey had many mishaps over the years due to his inability to represent himself correctly. He landed in jail one evening over a misunderstanding between him and a bartender over a beer he was attempting to order. As usual, he began to yell to try to get his point across, and as usual he was just viewed as a maniacal buffoon. The bartender called the police and Joey ended up in the slammer.



nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:47

Joey’s plight defined his personal life. He found himself in an unwanted relationship with a woman, mainly due to the fact that he was not able to relay to her he was not interested. He tried to break off the relationship several times, but she would just look at Joey and whisper, “Oh, how sweet of you.”

Joey’s career was also pre-determined for him, although he always wanted to be a shoe salesman, his career advisor at school interpreted his desires as that of a career in professional prize fighting. The “Bulldog” moniker was probably a main driver in this misunderstanding.

Ah, the story of Joey “Bulldog” Bane, a sad one indeed. Here Joey was, living with a woman he couldn’t stand, and getting his head pounded in daily to earn a paycheck. What would happen to Joey?

This tragic story culminates with a seemly unlikely event that would change the course of Joey’s life forever. One day as he was walking through town, as he often did, he stumbled upon an acting contest. He had always enjoyed theater, with unreasonable dreams that someday he may be able to master this art of the spoken word. He went inside to stare in awe at the actors desperately trying to make a name for themselves. Somehow the stage manager mistook Joey as a potential contestant, and shuffled him backstage to prepare for his audition.


nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:48

Joey, now terrified, tried fruitlessly to let the manager know that he was just an observer, not a contestant. He struggled to spit out every bit of logic he could, but no one understood. So as usual, Joey began to yell. This just irked the stage manager who, now thinking that Joey was a raving madman, yelled, “What we got here… is failure to communicate!” as he forced Joey onto the stage. He then muttered under his breath, “These artist types are driving me to drink.”

So now Joey was standing alone on the stage, in front of a panel of judges, knowing he had no desire to partake in this calamity. Joey froze up and an incident deep-rooted in his psyche emerged from the depths of his soul. He started to shiver… then started shivering slowly...shivering harder...shivering really hard...shivering really really hard...shivering incredibly hard...finally raised his hands and shouted as loud as he could “BATHROOM!” And then, sadly, Joey proceeded to relieve himself, in his pants, in front of a horrified panel of judges.

This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, the cherry on the cupcake, as they say. It was this final event in Joey’s sad and misunderstood life that drove him past the point of sanity. Joey “Bulldog” Bane ended up in an institution, legitimately this time. He spent the remainder of his days, wearing an adult diaper, the thing to which he was so vehemently opposed as a baby, and muttering to himself in a language that only he could understand.


Secret_Squirrel
Secret_Squirrel
Safety Officer

Mar-3-2009 15:01

(as it is new posts start too far down the page once I've stuck the contests to the top, as is the norm, if I hadn't 'unstuck' something it'd be worse than it already is... anyway I'll re-stick the post I unstuck after the contests wind up.)

nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-4-2009 16:57

Am I gonna have to force ctown to be the winner of my contest?

Joey
Joey "Bulldog" Bane
Washed Up Punter

Mar-4-2009 17:09

Although I can't possibly match nicnic's imagination, I'll grant ya all a little horror story. Here it goes...

Joey
Joey "Bulldog" Bane
Washed Up Punter

Mar-4-2009 17:11

The adventures of the unlucky pup in the sand box with radioactive poops

Once upon a time there was a rabid Rottweiler. Nobody ever managed to put, let alone keep him on a leash and nobody could ever stand against his wild rage. Fortunately, at some point in time he fell in love with a beautiful Collie. She was smart, kind and wise and had a tender heart that managed to cure his anger. Everybody wandered how she ever managed to succeed into doing that. Little did they know that his rage did not vanish, but was only…passed on!

The love of the two had produced a child, a small Bulldog with a large head and a spot on one eye. Some mad scientist once thought about looking into this genetic anomaly, but even in his madness he managed to realize that no one actually cared. So, the little Bulldog grew up under his mother’s advices and teachings to be a good dog, a free thinker and don’t bark around. She didn’t though manage to realize that even though her little pup had inherited her brains, her wisdom was actually replaced by his father’s rage, smouldering slowly deep down in his heart. So at some point she thought it was safe to release him into the world, considering his education complete.

The pup now just wandered around enjoying his freedom. But one day he found himself having to face a painful situation: there was no tree around for him to be able to settle his urge for releasing his natural necessities. His eyes at that point lay upon a sand box. A big sign was stuck up straight on its side: ‘Public Sand Box for Dogs of All Sizes’. “Salvation!” he thought. The poor pup had no idea what he was just about to get himself into.

Joey
Joey "Bulldog" Bane
Washed Up Punter

Mar-4-2009 17:11

So he stepped ahead right into this sand box, throwing a cautious look around. He noticed a couple of piles of poops in a corner. They seemed to be long gone out of this world. His eyes were then attracted by yet another pile of poops, different from the first ones: these seemed to also be dead, but they were emanating a strange green fog. They looked like radioactive waste to him. Although he wondered how come such dumps are allowed to lie out in the open, he figured in the end that they were not his problem. “None of my business. They’re there, I’m here, so I’ll just keep my distance and I’m not going to get infected.” He then looked around the sand box again, noticing a small flower right in the middle and a small group of puppies wetting it up. “Now that’ll be the perfect place to solve my urges” he said to himself, rushing towards the small flower and, with an elegant leg move, relieving himself of all his worries.

While smelling the little flower with passion, the pup didn’t notice that a small group of dogs had appeared from somewhere behind the radioactive poops. They approached slowly, complimenting him for his elegant move. Raising his eyes at them, the pup realized they were all wearing strange masks with smiles….all but one: a small white Bijon who was leading them. It seemed though as if they were helping this one to walk and pushing him in front. The little Bulldog didn’t mind them and turned back, towards the flower. That was his biggest mistake.

With a swift move the Bijon quickly attached a leash to the pup’s collar. He turned around in surprise, excusing himself for any kind of trouble he might have caused and asked politely to be released. Strangely enough, they all acted as if they didn’t even hear him and the small Bijon drew a line right under the pup’s feet, telling him that this is his place and complimenting him for the elegance he posed while keeping all his four paws on it.

Joey
Joey "Bulldog" Bane
Washed Up Punter

Mar-4-2009 17:12

The little Bulldog attempted again to mannerly explain them that he had no intention in standing on that line and tried to move away, but then he was astonished to realize that the leash they’ve attached was tied up to a nail stuck hard into the bottom of the sand box and out of his reach.

At that point, annoyed by this whole situation and still considering himself a free thinker, the pup started to bark. Suddenly the smiling masks on the dogs’ faces started to melt, turning into a green jelly which distorted their faces into a monstrous appearance. At the same time, green fumes arose from all their skin pores, looking like ghosts who started to shout at him: “WE OWN THIS SNAD BOX! HOW DARE YOU DEFY US! WE WILL…WE WILL…WE WILL…WE WILL” Noticing they’ve started to sound like a broken record, the little Bulldog attempted to smack one of them in order to bring them back to reality, but his jab was suddenly blocked by a bloodhound who until then was laughing his arse somewhere on the side of the sand box. Upon doing that, the bloodhound returned back to his previous position, continuing his laughter. At that point the pup realized the dogs were actually the ones emanating the green smoke in the first place.

The pup’s barking continued until he noticed the dogs taking a step back and handling his leash as if they were about to untie him. The ghosts have remained into position, yet he figured they’d do him no harm. Only the white Bijon still stood there, but he seemed harmless enough.

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