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Contest: The Plight of Joey "Bulldog" Bane
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nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 09:58

In the spirit of giving to our community in these tough times, I have decided to start my own contest as well.

I will give a free gift 3 month sub (you heard it... 3 months) to the sleuth who comes up with the most creative explanation/story as to why Joey "Bulldog" Bane cannot manage to get himself removed as a contestant from the Contest Formerly Known as "Revive the Stage". This should be a fictional story/explanation, and I will not tolerate any attack against any past, present, or future Sleuth member.

Anyone can post their story. If you do not wish to be included in the contest, you can still post. You will not be forced to be considered for the prize. And if you wish to enter, but don't need a gift sub, maybe we can come up with an alternative prize for you.

I will be the sole judge, so come on... amuse me. This is really a selfish request because I find his predicament quite hysterical and I want to see what all you creative sleuths out there can come up with.

Contest will run for one week. I will announce the winner on Monday, March 9.



Replies

Secret_Squirrel
Secret_Squirrel
Safety Officer

Mar-2-2009 14:54

*snicker*

Joey
Joey "Bulldog" Bane
Washed Up Punter

Mar-2-2009 15:38

Alriiiiight! I'm gettin' ready to present my own version, but I'll wait till close to the end of this contest. Maybe a miracle will happen and I'll be enlightened by then.

By the way, snicker, since you've already shown your mustache around here...what happened to Violet's post with the tips and advices for the stage? I found it to be quite helpful when I first joined this board section.

ctown28
ctown28
Tireless Tiger

Mar-2-2009 18:43

OK, well I guess I will go first. I have decided to post in song. This is to the tune of "The Ballad of Jed Clampett" you may also know it as the Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song. Let it be known that this post is just in the spirit of fun, and is not an officail contest entry:

"The Ballad of Joey 'Bulldog' Bane"

Come and listen to a story about a man named Bane
A poor detective that nearly went insane,
One day, in a contest on the role playing board,
He asked to not be entered, and his pleas were just ignored

Unnoticed that is, neglected, unheard.

Well the next thing you know, Bane asks a 2nd time,
The judges say "Bane, your posts are really prime"
Said "You made the only posts, and are the best in our eyes"
So they tabbed up the votes and awarded him the prize.

A sub that is. One month, 30 days.


Well Bane had to yell and they finally got the point.
So they went to shades to get some people in the joint.
They invited them to post in this locality
And get a big dose of our hospitality

Noir that is.

Joseph Zeo
Joseph Zeo
Tale Spinner

Mar-2-2009 20:14

Wow, ctown, that's amazing! Although i haven't heard the song before, your lyrics is amazing, prime! Made me laugh like crazy! Good one. You should win a prize for this, but then, we don't want you to yell like poor Joey to get your point across :P You should post in some of our stories here!

nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:46

I never really do this, but on this one, my muse was calling me. NOTE: Unlike ctown, I am not eligible to win my own contests :P

Here's my story and I am sticking to it (sorry it's long...):

Joey Bane had an unusual childhood. He was raised as an only child to parents that were less than competent at child-rearing. Joey’s parents had him when they were in their early 40s and he was not a planned addition to the family. They had become quite comfortable with their adult routines and social activities prior to Joey’s arrival, and the addition of a baby shocked their worlds.

Joey’s parents strongly believed in the concept that children should be “seen, but not heard”, and they practiced a very literal application of this rule in their home. In his early years, when Joey tried to communicate, he was oftentimes ignored by his negligent parents. This resulted in an unusual development of Joey’s skills in human interaction " much different from the normal course of child development. In some ways, Joey was a savant, in others, an idiot.

Joey was forced to learn, at a very early age, to care for himself, as his needs would often go unnoticed by his parents. He was using a toilet by the time he was 13 months old, out of sheer disgust of the necessity of sitting in his own stench for hours on end. There was nothing in the world he hated more than the feel of a dirty diaper against his skin, and he could not rely on his parents to attend to the matter quickly. By two, he could often be found in the kitchen fixing himself a sandwich. And by four years old, Joey was virtually a fully functioning human being.


nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:46

There was just one problem. At four years old, although Joey could bathe himself, clothe himself, and whip up a pretty mean tuna casserole, he could not speak. He had learned at a very early age that communication was not an important facet of his existence. He typically got shushed whenever he would cry or grunt as a baby, and he quickly learned to give up on the communication bit and focus on the fending for himself part.

Joey was more of a fixture, as a couch or and end table, in his home than an active member of the family. He earned the nickname “Bulldog” from his family, nickname being a very loose interpretation of the term. The primary reason for this was his parents constantly confused Joey with the family dog “Bulldog”, which happened to be a bulldog - they weren’t the most creative lot. Joey spent many a night outside in the cold doghouse, while “Bulldog” enjoyed the comforts of Joey’s warm bed. At some point, Joey’s parents decided it was much too tedious to try to manage the two creatures and remember their names to boot, so they started referring to Joey as “Bulldog” as well.

So Joey went through the early parts of his life alone, silent, and literally being treated like a dog. It was a sad story indeed.

Ah, but yes, at some point this all clearly had to turn around for Joey. Eventually he would have to learn to speak if he was to survive in this world, even if it was not crucial to survival in his home.



nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:47

The story of Joey’s first words is an interesting one. At the age of five, his parents ecstatically decided that it was time for Joey, or “Bulldog”, to set off to school. They sent him away to a prominent prep school in New York, where he was required to stay over and only return home for holidays and school breaks. Now one may think it would be awkward for Joey to go off to a strange place lacking the ability to speak. But it seemed that the “seen, but not heard” trait followed him while out of his home as well. It was as if Joey were invisible to the teachers and other students at his school. Joey had no issue understanding others when they spoke, he simply could not speak himself. And while he was a good student, doing well on his lessons, he carried an aura by which no one around him noticed that they had never heard him utter a word.

This all changed one day halfway through the first semester. He had over-indulged a bit on some soda at recess and had a bathroom emergency during music class. Since a verbal request must be made to the teacher at such times, Joey was in a bit of a pickle. He knew he was going to have to speak, and he knew the word “bathroom”, he just was not sure if he could say it. He started to shiver… then started shivering slowly...shivering harder...shivering really hard...shivering really really hard...shivering incredibly hard...finally raised his hand and shouted as loud as he could “BATHROOM!” The whole class turned and looked at him, including the teacher. They looked at him like he was a nut case - a raging lunatic.



nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:47

“I’m sorry dear, I don’t understand,” the teacher said to him looking a little fearful. Continuing to shiver and beginning to sweat, Joey tried a few more times to utter the word “Bathroom”. But no one seemed to know what he was talking about. After several valiant, but failed, attempts at communicating his need of a toilet, Joey relieved himself in his pants, with a stunned group of 5 year olds and 1 teacher witnessing the entire debacle.

After being shuffled around from school to school and enrolled in special needs programs for the next few months, Joey began to understand the importance of communication, and working on his skills in this area became his primary focus in life. While Joey learned to speak and significantly improved his oral skills, he could only seem to convey simple ideas and needs. He could converse well enough to get on in simple day to day life " order a sandwich, ask where the bus stop was - but he completely lacked the ability to share anything complex. He found that he often had to repeat himself many times, sometimes yell, to get his point across, always which was followed by a reaction of disgust.

“Seen, but not heard.” Joey just could not manage to shake it. It followed him through his teen years and into adulthood. In many cases, his curse decided his fate. Joey had many mishaps over the years due to his inability to represent himself correctly. He landed in jail one evening over a misunderstanding between him and a bartender over a beer he was attempting to order. As usual, he began to yell to try to get his point across, and as usual he was just viewed as a maniacal buffoon. The bartender called the police and Joey ended up in the slammer.



nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:47

Joey’s plight defined his personal life. He found himself in an unwanted relationship with a woman, mainly due to the fact that he was not able to relay to her he was not interested. He tried to break off the relationship several times, but she would just look at Joey and whisper, “Oh, how sweet of you.”

Joey’s career was also pre-determined for him, although he always wanted to be a shoe salesman, his career advisor at school interpreted his desires as that of a career in professional prize fighting. The “Bulldog” moniker was probably a main driver in this misunderstanding.

Ah, the story of Joey “Bulldog” Bane, a sad one indeed. Here Joey was, living with a woman he couldn’t stand, and getting his head pounded in daily to earn a paycheck. What would happen to Joey?

This tragic story culminates with a seemly unlikely event that would change the course of Joey’s life forever. One day as he was walking through town, as he often did, he stumbled upon an acting contest. He had always enjoyed theater, with unreasonable dreams that someday he may be able to master this art of the spoken word. He went inside to stare in awe at the actors desperately trying to make a name for themselves. Somehow the stage manager mistook Joey as a potential contestant, and shuffled him backstage to prepare for his audition.


nicnic
nicnic
Battered Shoe

Mar-2-2009 20:48

Joey, now terrified, tried fruitlessly to let the manager know that he was just an observer, not a contestant. He struggled to spit out every bit of logic he could, but no one understood. So as usual, Joey began to yell. This just irked the stage manager who, now thinking that Joey was a raving madman, yelled, “What we got here… is failure to communicate!” as he forced Joey onto the stage. He then muttered under his breath, “These artist types are driving me to drink.”

So now Joey was standing alone on the stage, in front of a panel of judges, knowing he had no desire to partake in this calamity. Joey froze up and an incident deep-rooted in his psyche emerged from the depths of his soul. He started to shiver… then started shivering slowly...shivering harder...shivering really hard...shivering really really hard...shivering incredibly hard...finally raised his hands and shouted as loud as he could “BATHROOM!” And then, sadly, Joey proceeded to relieve himself, in his pants, in front of a horrified panel of judges.

This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, the cherry on the cupcake, as they say. It was this final event in Joey’s sad and misunderstood life that drove him past the point of sanity. Joey “Bulldog” Bane ended up in an institution, legitimately this time. He spent the remainder of his days, wearing an adult diaper, the thing to which he was so vehemently opposed as a baby, and muttering to himself in a language that only he could understand.


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