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Dear Sleuthy...
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crunchpatty
Old Shoe
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Feb-14-2007 21:37
Post with a problem or advice...
*note that this idea for a thread was shamelessly pilfered from the fertile mind of the Secret_Squirrel. (He might be short a kidney and some change too, but hey...he took a sip). As a result, and in keeping with the protocol set forth in agency case sharing half the credit is his. Half the blame too. :P
Dear Sleuthy,
I got me a problem, hoo boy. My back is itchy, right in the centre, where I can't reach it. And not just a little itchy either...it's like, epilepsy itchy. I'm convulsing like my job was volunteering for pharmaco-military lab research. I've been self-medicating with the help of this pasta fork I have downstairs, but I got people coming in for linguine tomorrow, and I need time to run it through the dishwasher at least four times.
Please advise,
Signed,
Twitching in Toronto
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Replies |
Serges
Vigilante
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Mar-4-2007 00:13
Dear Sleuthy:
It turns out that knifeboots are illegal in the state in which I live, along with 48 other ones in the Union. My choices are to dispose of the footwear that has gotten me through an otherwise cold and stab-less winter, or move to Vermont.
Please advise.
Sincerely,
Guy who loves violence but hates maple syrup
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Secret_Squirrel
Safety Officer
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Mar-4-2007 02:29
Dear Guy who loves violence but hates maple syrup,
Have you considered turning your boots to the purpose of good?
There are lawns that will never be aerated; cheese that will never achieve the lofty heights of being able to be called 'Swiss'; Woodpeckers with beak deformities that would otherwise be homeless; Jewish children that will never... yes ok... maybe not; but don't you see that 'goodness' calls out to you and your knifeboots.
It is indeed a hasty, yet agreed - knifebooted, step to consider moving to Vermont. The syrup stains alone on that nicely polished leather, are enough reason not to go, surely.
Consider walking in the 'light'.
You will find invariably anything you do today that is considered wrong and evil, can be justified if you join the ranks of the morally righteous.
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Vellozo
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Mar-4-2007 09:36
Dear Guy who loves violence but hates maple syrup,
Don't listening Sr. Secret...never use your boots to the purpose of good
if you want to kill...just kill...but be carefull if your back...
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Anikka
Babelfish
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Mar-4-2007 10:47
Dear Sleuthy,
So, like, I totally love foosball and I think foosball is great and I really want to meet a great guy who loves foosball too so that we can talk all day long about foosball and stuff.
Foosball is just so totally awesome, I keep feeling the urge to call myself FoosballHottieGurl, and then try to get a really cool foosball luvvin' guy so that we can just foosball all day.
So, like, am I like totally cool AND hot, or what? Do ya think I can find a guy here in Sleuthville who will play foosball with me?
Sincerely,
Totallysuperhotfoosballobsessedchick
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Serges
Vigilante
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Mar-4-2007 11:19
Dear Totallysuperhotfoosballobsessedchick,
I have been known to throw down on a game of foosball in my day. Call me.
Sincerely,
Guywholovesfoosballaboveallelse
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Anikka
Babelfish
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Mar-5-2007 10:19
Dear Guywholovesfoosballaboveallelse,
Plus I've been playing foosball since I was two months old, and I'm totally hot. Call me.
Sincerely,
Totallysuperhotfoosballobsessedchick
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AraLives
Battered Shoe
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Mar-5-2007 10:43
Dear Sleuthy,
Lately I've been feeling that certain people on the boards should just get a room already. I'm so tired of finding Foosball porn everywhere, and I think they're using my computer to send Foosball IM's to each other. My keyboard is getting sticky, and I'm getting sick of it. What should I do?
Signed,
Prudish in Sleuthville
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biggie528
Lucky Stiff
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Mar-5-2007 11:57
Dear Prudish in Sleuthville,
I know someone who can kickstab them.
Sincerely,
Tinaball fan
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lilangel
Sleuth About Town
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Mar-5-2007 18:08
Dear Sleuthy,
I'm totally lost. I have no idea what foosball is, or why it's a topic in sleuthville.
Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Clueless
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Stacie222
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Mar-5-2007 22:11
Dear Clueless,
Fooseball has ancient and noble roots. It was developed on the shores of the Antarctic during a cold and thankless winter. Because the explorers couldn't leave their igloos, they developed a game, which, at the time, invloved kicking a penguin past the stationary bodies of other, less lucky, comrades who had previously been frozen solid. The initial purpose of the game was to ward off the insanity which was sure to ensue from the igloo-enduced cabin fever. Unfortunatly, the settlers were already completely barking mad, which, ironically, was how they came to develop the sport in the first place.
One lucky explorer eventually returned to civilization, months later, bringing nothing with him but his beloved (but very battered) pet penguin, who he had lovingly named Foose, and the knowledge of this great game.
Fooseball eventually came to resemble the form in which we know it today soon after the emergence of the knifeboot variation in the late 1600s. The public putcry resulted in the eventual transmorfication of the sport into the form as we know it today, which is enjoyed and loved by drunken college students everywhere.
Sincerly,
The Girl with the news on the Foose
(Please note: no actual penguins or college students were harmed in the writing of this post)
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