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Jan-24-2007 23:11

Jan-28-2007 01:55

A man sits down alone at Thanksgiving to eat his turkey feast that he has cooked for himself. Just as he is about to take his first bite, he hears a knock at the door.

He answers the door, and before him he sees a slimy little snail. The snail looks up at him with big brown eyes and says "Oh please sir, could you spare some of your feast for a poor little snail like me?"

"NO" the man replies, and then he kicks the snail 20 feet.

A month passes, and the man sits down alone to his Christmas dinner that he has cooked. He is just about to take a bite when he hears a knock at the door.

He opens the door and sees the snail sitting in front of him again.

The snail looks up at him and yells "WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR!"

Jan-28-2007 02:00

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put your Bible away Frank our prayers have been answered!!"

Jan-28-2007 02:04

*names have been changed to protect the innocent. I prefer to use Newfie, but I doubt non-canadians will get that =P


***

A Canadian, an American and an Idiot* are stranded on a desert island.

The Canadian has a glass of water, the American has a plate of food and the Idiot has a car door.

The rescue squad comes along and before they board the helicopter he just has to ask:

"Canadian, why do you have a glass of water?"
"So that when I get thirsty I can have a drink."

"American, why do you have a plate of food?"
"So that when I get hungry I can eat."

Then he comes to the Idiot.
"Idiot, why do you have a car door?"
And the Idiot responds....

"So that when I get hot I can roll down the window."

Jan-28-2007 02:08

Pete and Re-pete go into the store.

Pete comes out. Who's left?



Pete and Re-pete go into the store.

Pete comes out. Who's left?



Pete and Re-pete go into the store.

Pete comes out. Who's left?

Jan-28-2007 02:17

An Idiot is car-jacked on the side of the road. His car-jackers pull him out of the car and draw a 2 foot circle in the dirt.

They tell him he has to stand in that circle and never step foot outside of it until they say he can. NO MATTER WHAT.

The Idiot is scared so he, of course, gets in the circle and stays there.

They walk back over to his car, and are about to get in, when they look back at the Idiot and he is laughing.

"Why are you laughing? We just dented the crap out of your car?"
"Ohhhh, no reason" the Idiot replies.

This annoys them, so they start to kick his car and cause big dents all over. They look back at the Idiot and he is laughing really hard.

Now they're getting pissed, so they take out a crowbar and a baseball bat and they start smashing his car like crazy. Windshield, headlights, mirrors... all smashed.

This is driving them crazy, so they walk up to the Idiot and ask him, FOR ONE LAST TIME, why is he laughing?

The Idiot answers:

"Well, everytime you turn your back to me, *giggle, giggle* I step out of the circle *snort, snort* even though you told me not too!" *roll on the floor laughing*

Jan-28-2007 02:20

Oops, sorry about that last one... it's a little mixed up. I typed the parts in the wrong order, and didn't realize that I didn't fix them properly. But I suppose you get the gist...

That's what happens when I too tired.

And yes, I am out of stupid jokes. Lol.
Those are my favourites!

Jan-28-2007 06:10

Here you go guys. Have fun!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=smlrSYiYd_o

Jan-28-2007 08:09

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Jan-28-2007 09:54

LOL Ranier you are on a tear!

Jan-28-2007 10:37

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this: "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.


A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.
At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.