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Jan-24-2007 23:11

Jan-25-2007 01:28

Last night I farted so loudly it scared the dog.

Not really funny, more embarrassing.

Jan-25-2007 05:34

No, Justin, that's funny! Nearly spat coffee out on the laptop on that one.

Okay, bad joke? I can do that.

A man is walking down a country road and sees a cute little bunny rabbit sitting quietly in the middle of the road. "Aw, what a cute widdle bunny," thinks the man to himself. Suddenly, an SUV zooms down the road and to the runs over the cute little bunny. Splat. The SUV stops and a woman gets out, looks at the rabbit, and shakes her head. The man walks up to the woman and says, "You killed that rabbit! What are you going to about it?!" So the woman goes back to her trunk, opens it out, and removes an aerosol can. She returns and sprays the contents all over the rabbit. To the man's astonishment, the rabbit gets up, hops a few feet down the road, turns around, and waves. It hopes another few feet down the road, turns around, and waves. It does that until it disappears from sight. The woman tosses the aerosol can to the side of the road, gets in her SUV, and drives away.

The man is of course completely shocked. He runs to the side of the road and picks up the aerosol can and reads the label:

"For hare restoration and permanent wave."

Jan-25-2007 06:13

*groans*

got this one for ya:

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"

Jan-25-2007 08:17

In the spirit of recycling, which we are told a lot to do in this day and age, here are a couple of really *poor* jokes that I have received recently. Enjoy.

So, some functions are at a party. x^2 and x^4 are having a dance, and x^3 is trying the punch, when he spots e^x sitting in a corner on his own. he goes up and asks "What's wrong? Why arent you dancing with the others?" to which e^x replies, "well, I've tried integrating but nothing happens."

There are 10 types of people in the world, those who know binary and those who don't.

Jan-25-2007 08:47

In the spirit of long, poor jokes:

A little girl sits crying on the docks of London. She sobs helplessly in to her handkerchief, "I'll never be a great ballerina unless I go to France and study, I'll never be a great ballerine etc etc"

A voice speaks from above, "Be silent little girl for there is no need to cry".

The little girl looks up, and sees no-one with her on the dock. Only a solitary seagull sits atop a stack of barrels.

To the little girl's astonishment the seagull speaks, "Yes little girl it was I that spoke. For I am a magic seagull, and if you cease your crying I will grant you your wish."

Well it was no sooner said than done - as is the way with children - and the little girl ceased her crying immediately.

The seagull nodded it's approval and said, "If you wish to go to France and train to be a ballerina go down to the shoreline. There you will find a raft. Sit patiently on this raft and your wish will come true."

The little girl stammered a thank you and rushed down to the shoreline. Sure enough there was a tiny raft waiting for her. She dutifully perched herself on top and waited.

As she patiently looked out over the English Chanel she saw a large flock of birds approaching. In fact the birds - pigeons - came right towards the little girl and surprisingly landed, circling the raft.

It was only then that the little girl noticed that around the edge of the raft, fine long strings were tied. Each pigeon proceeded to pick up one of these strings in their mouth, and before the little girl knew what was happening the pigeons launched as one into the air and pulled the raft (and the little girl) out into the Chanel.

... Well the journey went on for quite some time, for there was as stiff head breeze, and the little girl began to realise some of the pigeons were flagging. In fact one by one the pigeons out of sheer exhaustion let go of their long fine strings and tumbled away with the wind.

Soon the little girl was left in the middle of the English Chanel alone on her little raft; with the wind and the tide eventuall

Jan-25-2007 08:49

y taking her back to the shoreline where she started, and how we found her, alone and crying...

And the moral to this convoluted story, gentle reader?



Why, you'll never be a ballerina if your err pigeon-towed :D

Jan-25-2007 08:54

LMAO this IS cheering me up!

Jan-25-2007 11:45

Wow, I could use A LOT of cheering up these days. Break-ups are never fun, especially when months away from an engagement (don't anyone try to mention this to me). Oh well :) Thanks Serges and everyone for doing this, we really are one big awesome family.

Jan-25-2007 12:12

Ahh, how nice Serges to think of this - I don't often visit the message boards but this one caught my eye right away. I know what you mean, since the beginning of October, it has been nothing but grieving, loss, unexpected financial chaos, stress, extended family troubles, friend troubles, and finding out who my genuine friends are. Life is grand!

But on the plus side, the insomnia I have experienced (really bad lately) from all this led me to play Sleuth (well, and my boyfriend's suggestion to keep me busy) and catch up on reading even if the insomnia makes me not myself...lol

Hmmm, I can't think of any jokes but I do have a story I was telling someone this morning.

So not that long ago, I have my 8-year-old daughter, 7-year-old nephew, and a 5-year-old niece with me in the car. I am telling me nephew about something and he said, "I already knew that. I read it in the newspaper".

So my sassy daughter (I can't complain at the sassiness, she got it from me...lol) says in her parents-are-just-so-clueless voice, "Yeah Mom, didn't you know he can read the newspaper HEADLIGHTS".

So my nephew says, "Newspaper headlights - what are newspaper headlights".

My daughter says in her I-am-superior-to-you-because-I-am-8-months-older voice to my nephew, "How can you NOT know what headlights are???? You know what, I am NOT going to use big words with you because you just don't understand them".

Jan-25-2007 19:06

that's why i used to like watching "kids say the darndest things" because they really do, and it's funny...