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City Murder Rate Skyrockets: 100,000 in Four Months

gosens
gosens

Aug-10-2004 22:01

CITY NEWS -- The City's 100,000th killing was committed this week as dead bodies continue to pile up at an unprecedented rate. There seems to be no slowing down this crime wave; with more committed each day, it is estimated that over half a million people will be brutally murdered within one year.

However, police say there is little they can do to curb the violence. Police chief Sleuth Admin suggests that gang warfare is the root of the problem, but offered no solutions.

"I'm not about to barricade the city; the murderers are already inside," Admin said. "The best I can do is limit the number of potential murders to about 8 per private detective each day."

Adding to the confusion of so many cases, say police investigators, is the number of people who look identical and have similar, but interchangeable names. This could explain the number of false arrests made by police, as well as ghost sightings by private investigators.

"I've caught murderers who look exactly like me," said rookie sleuth Coupe Stanley. "It's a wonder that none of us investigators have been wrongfully accused... or killed, for that matter."

"It's not like I've never forgotten someone's birthday," he added.

Mayor James Hollis says that the public should not be afraid. "Murder problem? Oh, no, there's no worry about that. I don't see anyone dead here," said Mayor Hollis. "My number one priority is to find out who's stealing all of the world's most priceless treasures, right here in our city! Say, will you do me a favour?"

We can only hope, with over 16,000 detectives in the city, that the murderers will be brought to justice before every last innocent person is dead.

Replies

jstkdn
jstkdn
Well-Connected

Aug-11-2004 15:02

Rumor has, that the mayor is too busy to build enough jail cells. Too busy playing little job QAs, the not so secret order of the socrates. I heard he is even selling equipment...which I am convinced is bought by him in the first place with our tax dollars.

Jojo
Jojo
Old Shoe

Aug-11-2004 15:55

Rumor also says that the same killers have escaped from jail. They just keep getting caught and caught and caught.

Orbitrux
Orbitrux
Well-Connected

Aug-11-2004 16:25

Well, at least the citizens of this fair city aren't rioting about the crime spree due to their large amounts of opium consumption.

Dudgeon
Dudgeon

Aug-11-2004 20:14

I think I'm going to start doing bios on some of the citizens. I want to see what they end up like before they die. That way I can write obituaries for them.

jstkdn
jstkdn
Well-Connected

Aug-12-2004 16:33

Did anyone mention opium consumption, where can I get some?????????!!!!!!!!!?????? I always wondered if Thomas the fortune teller had some side business going on. :)

(OK, bad dutchie, bad bad dutchie.)

cfm
cfm
Nomad

Sep-4-2008 10:24

Hmmm...with all these hard working gumshoes, you'd think that crime would have gone down by now...seems we may only be attracting more. They must like those cuffs! ;)


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