Sleuth Home - Ask Shady

Well, I been puttin it off and puttin it off, but da time has come. Namely, da time has come to deal wit dis missive what Anais Nin sent to yers truly.

I am ever so pleased to hear you enjoyed the letter I sent you! I had been worried that the three-hundred forty six words I had sent before would not have been enough, so I have decided to write you another letter to even out you dresser.

I was sorry to hear that your heart was shriveled. Have you been keeping it in water? If I soak too long in the tub, my fingers start to shrivel up, so I thought that might be your problem with your heart shriveling.

One point I would like to argue with you is sympathizing with Teecat. You said that I am "flappin her gums like a sheet in the wind", and I resent that! I find that my mouth is akin to a perpetual motion device that can only be stopped if someone reaches out and halts the movement. I do hope you understand. Moreover, I am not known to stop my cheerful chatter if someone looks at me as if they are sizing me up for a coffin. In fact, I once went and picked one out! It has a little bell to pull if I accidentally am buried while still alive so someone can dig me out. Of course, I also hid a little shovel in that coffin, too, so I would be able to dig myself out!

While reading your letter to all of the gumshoes, I sensed a certain, oh, weariness in your tone. Going on a vacation is supposed to take care of that! And yet, you sound as weary or wearier than before. Since you are back, why not go see Girl Crazy on Broadway? I'm enclosing the three dollars for the ticket. Enjoy! You can't work 24/7, it just isn't healthy! Didn't your mother ever tell you that? Vegetables are good for your health, too, so make sure you eat your peas!

I shall finish this up, as I hear a possible client knocking at my door. As always, I wish you well, Shady. I shall see you around.

Anais Nin"

First, Shady would like to thanks Anais for da generous gift. Girl Crazy ain't really a Shady kinda show, but dere is no proof dat Shady was especially attentive to Ginger Rogers singin 'Embraceable You'. Anyways, dat was a nice thing you done, kid. But dat don't mean you is getting a discount on yer next accusational mistake.

As for da rest of da babble, I gotta say I got no idea what da heck you is yammerin on and on about. Coffins wit bells? Shovels? Perpetual motion devices? Okay, dat one Shady unnerstands and agrees wit. Yeah, you is a nice girl, easy on da eye and all dat, but dat mouth don't never stop, do it? Don't be givin' me no ideas about reaching out and halting da movement. It might turn out to be permanent like, in which case, it'll be Shady who needs da shovel, and dat casket won't need no bell, on accounta when I do a job, I do it right. Capice?!

Now, dat little trip arounds da world did Shady a world o' good - no pun intended. You is mistakin' weariness for Shady bein tired. When Shady is tired he sleeps. When Shady is weary, he looks for the source of dat weariness, be it bums that won't cough up their cash, or perky young girlie-type gumshoes what never gives their mouth a rest and, well... see where I'm goin with dis?

Oh and Shady aint got no vitamin deficiency, he eats just fine. Aint nothing' known to man nor beast dat red meat and hard liquor couldn't fix.

After dealin wit all dat chatter and da silly questions, I couldn't take much more. Don't get me wrong, Shady can take a lot on his somewhat broad shoulders, but dat broad could talk da ears of a cornfield. Reminds Shady of da time dis dame sidles up to him in Big Lucy's one night, and axes 'How I like it.' Can't say as I know what 'it' was, but I sure as heck knew da answer: 'Widout conversation'.

Dat's why every member of da Shady Brotherhood needs their very own Cordelia Falco, who only wants ta know, "Hey Shady. Scotch or bourbon?"

To which, Shady can only say, "YES."