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Feb-14-2007 21:37

Post with a problem or advice...

*note that this idea for a thread was shamelessly pilfered from the fertile mind of the Secret_Squirrel. (He might be short a kidney and some change too, but hey...he took a sip). As a result, and in keeping with the protocol set forth in agency case sharing half the credit is his. Half the blame too. :P

Dear Sleuthy,

I got me a problem, hoo boy. My back is itchy, right in the centre, where I can't reach it. And not just a little itchy either...it's like, epilepsy itchy. I'm convulsing like my job was volunteering for pharmaco-military lab research. I've been self-medicating with the help of this pasta fork I have downstairs, but I got people coming in for linguine tomorrow, and I need time to run it through the dishwasher at least four times.

Please advise,

Signed,

Twitching in Toronto

Feb-16-2007 22:52

Dear Sleuthy,

Lately it has come to my attention that my friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers have suddenly stopped talking to me and begin to cringe in fear whenever i walk into a room. It all started a few weeks ago when I got these great new shoes.

As I am a generally good-natured and decent chap, what can I do to regain my good standing?

Kickstab McKnifeboot

Feb-16-2007 23:50

Dear Kickstab McKnifeboot:

Give them to Biggie

Sincerely,

A completely uninterested third party with no bias whatsoever in this matter.

Feb-21-2007 08:51

Dear Sleuthy,

I have a crush on the boy at school, and he's really nice and flirts with me. But the other day I saw him with knifeboots kicking a boy who was yelling "NOT THE TITANIUM PLATED CUP!!!!" I really do like this boy, but when he's not around me, he's kciking people with thoose horrid boots!
What can I do? I want my cake (the boy) but I want to eat it to (keep him knfeboot-less).

Sincerely,

Crushing in Knifeboot City

Feb-27-2007 23:25

Dear Crushing,

The power is all in your hands (or, perhaps feet, if you like) here! You have two choices:

a) accept that you are in serious like with a chronic and recidivist groin-stabber, spend as much time as you can near him to defray the genetic impact of his knee-jerk responses upon the gene pool and look forward to countless hours in you mid-thirties on a therapist's couch wondering about the origin of the attraction, or

b) look for the qualities that you admire in this boy in someone less excited by the prospect of making other men bleed like they were auditioning for a cross-dressers-only tampon commercial casting call.

And, when in doubt, *Antoinette voice* Let them eat cake!

(crunchpatty edit: yeah, or you could just tell him you think penny loafers are teh secksi)

Mar-4-2007 00:13

Dear Sleuthy:

It turns out that knifeboots are illegal in the state in which I live, along with 48 other ones in the Union. My choices are to dispose of the footwear that has gotten me through an otherwise cold and stab-less winter, or move to Vermont.

Please advise.

Sincerely,

Guy who loves violence but hates maple syrup

Mar-4-2007 02:29

Dear Guy who loves violence but hates maple syrup,

Have you considered turning your boots to the purpose of good?

There are lawns that will never be aerated; cheese that will never achieve the lofty heights of being able to be called 'Swiss'; Woodpeckers with beak deformities that would otherwise be homeless; Jewish children that will never... yes ok... maybe not; but don't you see that 'goodness' calls out to you and your knifeboots.

It is indeed a hasty, yet agreed - knifebooted, step to consider moving to Vermont. The syrup stains alone on that nicely polished leather, are enough reason not to go, surely.

Consider walking in the 'light'.

You will find invariably anything you do today that is considered wrong and evil, can be justified if you join the ranks of the morally righteous.

Mar-4-2007 09:36

Dear Guy who loves violence but hates maple syrup,

Don't listening Sr. Secret...never use your boots to the purpose of good

if you want to kill...just kill...but be carefull if your back...

Mar-4-2007 10:47

Dear Sleuthy,

So, like, I totally love foosball and I think foosball is great and I really want to meet a great guy who loves foosball too so that we can talk all day long about foosball and stuff.

Foosball is just so totally awesome, I keep feeling the urge to call myself FoosballHottieGurl, and then try to get a really cool foosball luvvin' guy so that we can just foosball all day.

So, like, am I like totally cool AND hot, or what? Do ya think I can find a guy here in Sleuthville who will play foosball with me?

Sincerely,

Totallysuperhotfoosballobsessedchick

Mar-4-2007 11:19

Dear Totallysuperhotfoosballobsessedchick,

I have been known to throw down on a game of foosball in my day. Call me.

Sincerely,
Guywholovesfoosballaboveallelse

Mar-5-2007 10:19

Dear Guywholovesfoosballaboveallelse,

Plus I've been playing foosball since I was two months old, and I'm totally hot. Call me.

Sincerely,
Totallysuperhotfoosballobsessedchick