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Dear Sleuthy...
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crunchpatty
crunchpatty
Old Shoe

Feb-14-2007 21:37

Post with a problem or advice...

*note that this idea for a thread was shamelessly pilfered from the fertile mind of the Secret_Squirrel. (He might be short a kidney and some change too, but hey...he took a sip). As a result, and in keeping with the protocol set forth in agency case sharing half the credit is his. Half the blame too. :P

Dear Sleuthy,

I got me a problem, hoo boy. My back is itchy, right in the centre, where I can't reach it. And not just a little itchy either...it's like, epilepsy itchy. I'm convulsing like my job was volunteering for pharmaco-military lab research. I've been self-medicating with the help of this pasta fork I have downstairs, but I got people coming in for linguine tomorrow, and I need time to run it through the dishwasher at least four times.

Please advise,

Signed,

Twitching in Toronto

Replies

Secret_Squirrel
Secret_Squirrel
Safety Officer

Feb-15-2007 15:10

What kind of accident dictates hiding the 'family jewels' inside your wooden leg... ouch!

Secret_Squirrel
Secret_Squirrel
Safety Officer

Feb-15-2007 16:47

Dear Sleuthy,

I have this school friend. Well not so much a friend as an acquaintance. Oh ok not so much an acquaintance as someone I'm just plain scared of.

He seems perfectly normal when he's with adults. Very well behaved; helpful, generous, even kind. The adults even lavish expensive gifts on him.

But it's when he's with the other kids that's the problem!

Last week he came to school brandishing a new pair of boots give to him by his 'Godfather' (he says). They are quite pretty but his Godfather has obviously got some serious anger management issues himslef to give a child a pair of 'knifeboots'.

NOW my 'friend' continually kickstabs the other children.Especially the new kids. But, really, no-one is safe.

The only exceptions to this is the girl with the giant spork; and she has taken to poking the kickstabbing victims when they are down.

Actually one of the English kids has tried to befriend him; tries to keep him calm. But i suspect the English kid only wants to get near my 'friend' so that the cloud of flies that continually hover around him, can feed off the gore on the knifeboots.

So what do I do Sleuthy? I have tried being nice. I have tried being tough, and throwing my nuts at him, but he just laughs it off and I just have to dodge another bout of "Kickstab the Squirrel".

Most disturbingly Sleuthy, now all the other kids want knifeboots too.

More disturbingly, so do I!

Help!

Yours,

A slightly stabbed Squirrel.

Serges
Serges
Vigilante

Feb-15-2007 16:52

Dear slightly stabbed,

Sounds to me like your problem is two-fold.

First off, I suggest you accept that you are in fact harboring "knifeboot envy", as not dealing with these emotions can be psychologically crippling, even for a tough squirrel such as yourself.

Secondly, have you considered the possibility that you are being kickstabbed for a reason? Examine the priorities in your life and stop meddling in the affairs of those with sharp implements coming out of their footwear.

Oh, and wear a cup.

Sincerely,
Kickstab McKnifeboot

yoyofoshow
yoyofoshow
Old Shoe

Feb-16-2007 05:24

Hehe, I'm pretty sure this last one's gonna be a hell of a mystery for some newbies.

MamaTerra
MamaTerra
Assistant Postman

Feb-16-2007 07:12

This is why I love Serges. :D

Special_K
Special_K
Lucky Stiff

Feb-16-2007 09:00

Dear Sleuthy:

I have this problem. I feel unjustly persecuted due to my association with a certain kickstabbing individual. I use my spork only for good.

How can I change other people's perceptions of my character and show them how rockin I am?

Sincerely,

Sleepless in Boston

MamaTerra
MamaTerra
Assistant Postman

Feb-16-2007 14:08

Dear Sleepless in Boston:

Don't mind the ones who don't yet know how rockin' you are. They'll learn eventually.

Meanwhile, bask in the reverence that is already shown to you by certain Valentines and Prom Dates.

Sincerely,

Mother Earth

Emma Barlowe
Emma Barlowe
Well-Connected

Feb-16-2007 21:48

Dear Sleuthy:

I have been reading your recent threads with much interest - but I do have one question:

Would a cup really stop an assault by an angry knifeboot-wielding person kicking with all of their might?

If so, please forward the one enclosed with this letter to "Slightly Stabbed Squirrel". I have taken it upon myself to reinforce it with some steel to help him keep him protected while he's down.

Please let him know that his tale of woe has affected myself, and others, very deeply.

Oh, and by the way, where can I get a pair of those ever-so-nifty knifeboots? ;)

Best wishes,

Nutterly Fabulous

Jojo
Jojo
Old Shoe

Feb-16-2007 22:18

Dear Nutterly Fabulous,


Yes, the cup really does help. I've enclosed a titanium plated one with this letter, so that your friend might have his nuts left uncracked.


The knifeboots? - Try your local Newbie-Fixing-'R-Us. They usually have some in stock.


Sincerely,

The Man in the Iron Mask

Serges
Serges
Vigilante

Feb-16-2007 22:52

Dear Sleuthy,

Lately it has come to my attention that my friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers have suddenly stopped talking to me and begin to cringe in fear whenever i walk into a room. It all started a few weeks ago when I got these great new shoes.

As I am a generally good-natured and decent chap, what can I do to regain my good standing?

Kickstab McKnifeboot

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