Sleuth Home - Message Boards - The Gumshoe Lounge


0 0
SLEUTHbucks Poetry Corner
  <<First Page  |  <Previous  

Sara Lou
Sara Lou

Jan-30-2007 08:15

I make this thread in honor of my good friend BadAss. He and I discussed how it would be nice to have more poetry, so he we go. Now we can all sit around drinking coffee and writing poetry.

I'll put a poem later.

Poets come


Replies

crunchpatty
crunchpatty
Old Shoe

Jan-10-2009 00:21

Like they said -- this is really good. I'm really pulling for you though, and I want to take a minute to give you a couple of things to think about on the eve of your audition.

One of the things that really works about what you've posted is the sense of repetition ("I'm here every day", "here I am again" etc) and the way that day after day in the coffee shop augments the speaker's feelings. One of the ways some writers enhance this sense is by actually repeating some of their words in their work. That's why songs have choruses. That said, your speaker stands up. She shows development by moving from a mere observer (1st stanza) to someone who actually acts on her wishes (last stanza) over the course of the poem. Which is great. But I also sort of like inserting the first stanza just before the last stanza for the sake of repetition and theme. Try reading it once out loud that way. No biggie if you don't like it.

You've done a great job articulating the speaker's feelings of loneliness. Really good. But one of the things I've always felt is particularly powerful about poetry is the way it can say something that applies to more than one person. So I'm giving you the homework assignment of thinking about a) how a close friend would have told the same story and b) what is the same/different between the two versions. How would you write each version?

One of the great tricks of poetry is using your opportunity to describe the setting to convey meaning. What does this coffee shop look like? Does it's look mirror the speaker's feelings? Is it empty or full?

Rhyme is over-rated. My favourite poem:

A girl whom I've not spoken to
or shared coffee with for several years
writes of an old scar.
On her wrist it sleeps, smooth and white,
the size of a leech.
I gave it to her
brandishing a new Italian penknife.
Look, I said turning,
and blood spat onto her shirt.



crunchpatty
crunchpatty
Old Shoe

Jan-10-2009 00:22

A girl whom I've not spoken to
or shared coffee with for several years
writes of an old scar.
My wife has scars like spread raindrops
on knees and ankles,
she talks of broken greenhouse panes
and yet, apart from imagining red feet,
(a nymph out of Chagall)
I bring little to that scene.
We remember the time around scars,
they freeze irrelevant emotions
and divide us from present friends.
I remember this girl's face,
the widening rise of surprise.

And would she
moving with lover or husband
conceal or flaunt it,
or keep it at her wrist
a mysterious watch.
And this scar I then remember
is a medallion of no emotion.

I would meet you now
and I would wish this scar
to have been given with
all the love
that never occurred between us.

Sara Lou
Sara Lou

Jan-12-2009 09:22

Thank you guys. :)

I think it went well, but I was shaky and stuttered. The interviewer even asked me to email her more of my work!

Breitkat
Breitkat
Pinball Amateur

Jan-12-2009 15:57

Sounds like you're a shoo-in, Sara! Well done!! ;-D

Sara Lou
Sara Lou

Feb-14-2009 17:12

K, so the sad news is, I didn't make it. Dunno why. I lost myself in half a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and kinda made the hurt go away. Sigh. I can elaborate later, but my Pops is sleepin, so I must be SSSSSH!!

Carolyn Spark
Carolyn Spark
Vigilante

Feb-24-2009 13:17

You're probably just too good for them. :)
Are you familiar with Ben & Jerry? They've gotten me through every one of my breakups.

Sara Lou
Sara Lou

Feb-24-2009 14:13

Thank you. :) Actually, I'm easily satisfied. Generic Kroger brand is good for me.

Actually, I consider myself an enterprisnig young female chap, so today when I was writing a poem instead of learning, I somehow started thinking of the millions of Twilight shirts I see everyday. (high school; ugh) Then I thought, "Why not make money off my poetry by puting it on tee shirts?" And thus the idea for "poetry tees" was born.

Bonne idee, non?

Carolyn Spark
Carolyn Spark
Vigilante

Feb-24-2009 14:35

Hahaha, I love it. Just be careful where you put the lettering. ;)
For girl shirts at least...

  <<First Page  |  <Previous  

[ You must login to reply ]